Below is a graph showing the incidence of mental illness (as indicated by receipt of Incapacity Benefit) amongst older UK males from 1971-2015. The reform in the benefits system took place in 1995.

Part 1 (Academic)
7.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

The graph provides informations about mental illness rates of eolder men in the United Kingdom from 1971 until 2015. The y-axis shows Incapacity Benefit recipients per 1000, and the x-axis represents the years. A benefits reform happenoccurred in 1995. In 1971, the incidence of mental illness was around 10 per 1000 older males. It remained relatively steady until the mid-1980s, when it was approximately 15 per 1000. After that, there was a sharp increase, reaching a peak of approximately 47 per 1000 in 1995. Following the reform in the benefits system in 1995is peak, the rate of mental illness among eolder men in the UK decreased dramatically after the reform in the benefits system in 1995. By 2000, it had fallen to around 30 per 1000. This downward trend continued, albeit at a slower pace, until 2015 when the rate was just over 20 per 1000. In conclusion, the graph clearly demonstrates the significant impact that the 1995 benefits reform had on reported mental illness rates among older males in the UK. Prior to the reform, rates had been rising steeply, but afterwards, they fell rapidly and continued to decline over the next two decades.
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Expert Feedback

The essay effectively summarizes the key trends in mental illness rates among older males in the UK, providing relevant data points and discussing the impact of the 1995 benefits reform. Key strengths include a clear structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion, as well as appropriate vocabulary usage. However, critical areas for improvement include addressing grammatical errors, enhancing the flow between paragraphs, and varying vocabulary to avoid repetition. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, adding specific data for the mid-1980s, and improving transitions between ideas. Further improvements could involve incorporating more detailed comparisons of the trends before and after the reform and using a wider range of synonyms. The tone used is appropriate for an academic report, maintaining a formal and informative style.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay is generally well-organized, with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. Ideas are logically sequenced, and cohesive devices are used appropriately. However, the transition between the discussion of the trends before and after the reform could be smoother. For example, using phrases like 'following this peak' or 'subsequently' could enhance the flow.
7.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The writing demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, but there are some errors, such as 'informations' (should be 'information') and 'ilness' (should be 'illness'). Additionally, the phrase 'the graph clearly demonstrate' should be 'the graph clearly demonstrates.' These errors affect the overall accuracy, but the meaning remains clear.
6.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is appropriate for the task, with terms like 'incidence,' 'recipients,' and 'dramatically' demonstrating a good range. However, there are some repetitive phrases, such as 'older males' and 'mental illness,' which could be varied. Using synonyms or rephrasing could enhance the lexical resource further.
7.0
Task Achievement
The response effectively addresses the task by summarizing the key trends in the graph regarding mental illness rates among older UK males. It provides relevant data points and discusses the impact of the 1995 benefits reform. However, it could improve by including more specific details about the trends before and after the reform, such as the exact figures for the mid-1980s and the years leading up to 2015.
7.5

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