Bullying is becoming increasingly common at school. Discuss the causes and solutions of the issue.

Part 2
6.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

Bullying is the biga significant problem in schools today. It is happening more and morefrequently these days. I want to discusn this essay, I will discuss the reasons why bullying happenoccurs and how to solve this problem in my essaaddress this issue effectively. There are many causes ofor bullying atin schools. One cause is theat students who bully other students, theys may have problems at home. MaybeFor instance, if their parents are fighting or they don't get not receive enough attention, so they may take out their anger on weaker students. Another cause is thedditionally, students who getare bullied, they are often often tend to be quieter and different from otheir studentpeers. They may wear differentunusual clothes or have differenstinct interests, and the bullies pick on them because of this. Alsowhich makes them targets for bullies. Furthermore, the teachers and schools are not doing enough to stopcombat bullying. They need to punish bullies more and make sure everyone followsimplement stricter punishments for bullies and ensure that all students adhere to the rules. To solvtackle the problem of bullying, schools need to takmust take decisive action. Firstly, they should have strict rules against bullying andestablish strict anti-bullying policies and enforce punishments for students who bully othersengage in bullying behaviour. This will makencourage bullies think twiceo reconsider their actions before picktargeting on someone. Secondly, schools should teacheducate students about bullying and howempower them to stand up for themselves and others. This approach will help studentsthose who getare bullied to feel more confident. Finally, schools need to creafoster a culture of kindness and acceptance. They can doachieve this by havorganising events and activities that bring students together and helppromote unity among students and enhance themir understand each ing of one another. In conclusion, bullying is a serious issue in schools today, but there are effective ways to solveaddress it. By understanding the causes of bullying and taking proactionve measures to prevent it, we can create a safer and happiermore positive environment for all students. It is importantcrucial for schools, teachers, and students to work together to stopcollaborate in order to eliminate bullying once and for all.
DeletedOriginal textAddedCorrected text

Expert Feedback

The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the topic and addresses both the causes and solutions of bullying in schools, which is a key strength. However, there are critical areas for improvement, particularly in grammatical accuracy and the use of more varied vocabulary. The introduction has been made more formal, and transitions between ideas have been improved to enhance coherence. Additionally, specific examples and more formal language have been incorporated to strengthen the argument. The structural changes made include refining the introduction for clarity and formality, improving transitions between paragraphs, and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include providing specific examples of anti-bullying programs or initiatives that schools could adopt, which would further support the arguments made. The tone used in the essay is generally appropriate for an academic context, but it could benefit from a more formal vocabulary in certain areas. Overall, the essay is well-structured and presents a logical flow of ideas, but attention to detail in grammar and vocabulary would enhance its quality significantly.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with clear paragraphs, but the flow of ideas could be improved. Some transitions between sentences and ideas are abrupt, which affects the overall coherence. Using more cohesive devices, such as 'furthermore' or 'in addition,' would enhance the connection between ideas. For example, linking the causes more explicitly to the proposed solutions would create a smoother progression.
6.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains several grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues ('it happening' should be 'it is happening') and incorrect verb forms ('bullying happen' should be 'bullying happens'). While the meaning is generally clear, these errors detract from the overall quality. To improve, the writer should focus on proofreading for grammatical accuracy and varying sentence structures to demonstrate a wider range.
5.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there is some repetition of words such as 'bullying' and 'students.' To improve, the writer could use synonyms or more varied expressions, such as 'harassment' or 'pupils.' Additionally, some phrases are informal, such as 'take out their anger,' which could be replaced with more formal language to suit the academic tone.
6.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task by discussing both the causes and solutions of bullying in schools. However, the development of ideas could be more detailed and supported with specific examples. For instance, mentioning specific programs or initiatives that schools could implement would strengthen the argument. Additionally, the introduction could be more formal and clearly state the position.
6.5

Related Writing Samples

Part 2
5.0

Many people believe that social networking sites (such as Facebook) have had a huge negative impact on individuals and society. To what extent do you agree?

Part 2
6.5

Whether or not someone achieves their aims is mostly a question of luck. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Part 2
8.0

We have become a disposable society, preferring to buy new products rather than fixing existing items. What are the causes of this trend and what are the possible solutions?

Part 2
5.5

The tendency that news reports in media focus on problems and emergencies rather than on positive developments is harmful for individuals and the society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Part 2
7.0

Today single-use products are still very common. Why is this? What are the problems associated with this?

Part 2
6.5

In the future, more people will choose to go on holiday in their own country and not travel abroad on holiday. Do you agree or disagree?