Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures?

Part 2
5.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

In today's world, children are facing a lot of pressure coming from many different parts of life like, such as school, friends, and even companies whothat want to sell things to them. There is more pressure than beforein previous times, I think. This essay will discussing about the reasons why hasfor this problem and how we can we solve it. One of the biggest causes of pressure is from academic, c. Children must study so many subjects in school and are always worrying about exams and getting good grades. If a child does not study enough, parents will scold them, and they will feel ashamed. Alsodditionally, tuition classes are very popular,; some students go forattend tuition classes every day so become, which makes them very tired. Another cause is social media, c. Children nowadays are always on Facebook, Instagram, and TiktTok and, compareing themselfves to other people,s, which makes it very easy to feel not good enough. inadequate. Even small children also got handhave smartphones and use social media. Lastly, many companyies advertise products to children like, such as toys, games, and fast food and, which makes them want to buy, if these items. If they cannot buy thenm, they feel sad. To reduce this problem pressure, I think firstly, parents and teachers must not push children stoo much to study and getachieve high marks. Children need time to play and relax, always; constant studying is not good for their health and mental well-beindg. Secondly, parents should control how much time children usespend on social media and handsmartphones, maybe set limit like only can use 1 hour everyperhaps by setting limits, such as allowing only one hour of use each day. GThe government also can make rule to stop company from advertise too much tocould also implement regulations to limit the amount of advertising directed at children. In conclusion, pressure on children comes from a few main cause like studys, such as academic demands, social media, and advertisementing. This pressure makes children stressed and unot happy. Parents, schools, and the government should take action, for example, by giveing children more free time, limiting internet and handsmartphone use, and controlling advertisements. Only then can children can have morelead healthyier and enjoy lifemore enjoyable lives.
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Expert Feedback

The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the task by identifying the causes of pressure on children and suggesting potential solutions. Key strengths include a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, as well as relevant points raised regarding academic pressure, social media, and advertising. However, critical areas for improvement include the need for more thorough elaboration of ideas, particularly with specific examples to strengthen arguments. The flow of ideas could be enhanced with smoother transitions between points, and the vocabulary could be more varied to avoid repetition and awkward phrasing. Additionally, grammatical accuracy needs attention, as several errors were present in the original essay. The structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving coherence with better transitions, and enhancing clarity in the introduction and conclusion. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include incorporating specific examples to illustrate the impact of pressure on children's mental health and using a wider range of vocabulary to enrich the essay. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and informative style throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the flow of ideas is sometimes disrupted by awkward phrasing and a lack of clear transitions. For example, the transition between discussing academic pressure and social media could be smoother. Using cohesive devices more effectively would enhance the overall clarity and coherence of the writing.
5.5
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains several grammatical errors, such as 'In today world' (should be 'In today's world') and 'discussing about' (should be 'discussing'). There are also issues with subject-verb agreement and sentence structure. While the meaning is generally clear, the presence of these errors affects the overall accuracy. To improve, the writer should focus on proofreading for grammatical mistakes and varying sentence structures.
5.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are instances of repetition and awkward phrasing, such as 'one biggest cause' and 'very tired.' The use of terms like 'advertise' and 'pressure' is relevant, but the essay could benefit from a wider range of vocabulary. Incorporating synonyms and more sophisticated expressions would improve the lexical resource score.
6.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task by identifying causes of pressure on children and suggesting measures to alleviate it. However, the development of ideas is somewhat limited, and the arguments could be more thoroughly elaborated with specific examples. For instance, discussing the impact of academic pressure on mental health could strengthen the argument. Additionally, the introduction could be clearer in stating the position.
6.0

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