Describe a situation when you saw or experienced a happy family. You should say: - Who was in this family - Where and when you saw them - What they were doing - And explain why you think they were a happy family
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay effectively describes the neighbor's family and their interactions, showcasing a warm and positive atmosphere. Key strengths include a clear structure and a heartfelt tone that conveys the writer's admiration for the family. However, critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, particularly with articles and adverbs, as well as enhancing lexical diversity to avoid repetition. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors and improving transitions for better coherence. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented include providing more specific examples of the family's happiness and varying sentence structures to enhance engagement. Overall, the tone is appropriate, reflecting a personal and warm perspective on the family.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay is generally coherent, with a logical flow of ideas. However, some transitions could be smoother, and the use of cohesive devices could be more varied. For instance, using phrases like 'In addition' or 'Moreover' could enhance the connection between sentences.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The writing demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, but there are several errors, such as 'as teacher' (should be 'as a teacher') and 'careful' (should be 'carefully'). These errors affect the overall clarity. More attention to grammatical accuracy would improve the score.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is appropriate and conveys the intended meaning. However, there are some repetitive phrases, such as 'happy family' and 'together.' To improve, the writer could incorporate synonyms or more varied expressions to enhance lexical diversity.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The response effectively addresses the prompt by describing a neighbor's family and providing details about their interactions and activities. However, it could be improved by offering more specific examples of their happiness or elaborating on the significance of their family dynamics.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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