Do the dangers derived from the use of chemicals in food production and preservation outweigh the advantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both the dangers and advantages of chemicals in food production, ultimately taking a clear position that the risks outweigh the benefits. Key strengths include a clear structure and logical progression of ideas. However, critical areas for improvement include enhancing the development of ideas with more specific examples and varying vocabulary to avoid repetition. Structural changes made include improving transitions between paragraphs and correcting grammatical errors. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include providing more detailed examples of the advantages of chemicals in food production and varying sentence structures for greater complexity. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and objective stance throughout.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay is generally coherent, with a logical progression of ideas. However, some transitions between points could be smoother. For example, the shift from discussing health risks to environmental impacts could benefit from a clearer linking phrase. Additionally, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat repetitive, which affects the overall fluency.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, but there are several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement ('chemical' should be 'chemicals'), incorrect verb forms ('test' should be 'tested'), and punctuation issues. These errors occasionally hinder clarity. To improve, the writer should focus on proofreading for grammatical accuracy and varying sentence structures to enhance complexity.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is appropriate for the topic, with terms like 'pesticides', 'preservatives', and 'sustainable methods' demonstrating a good range. However, there are instances of repetition, such as the word 'chemical', which could be varied with synonyms like 'substances' or 'additives'. Additionally, there are some spelling errors (e.g., 'seriuous', 'presense', 'furthermor', 'potintial', 'alternitives') that detract from the overall lexical quality.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the dangers and advantages of chemicals in food production, ultimately taking a clear position that the risks outweigh the benefits. However, the development of ideas could be enhanced with more specific examples and a deeper exploration of the advantages mentioned. For instance, elaborating on how increased shelf life benefits consumers could strengthen the argument.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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