Do you agree that people should choose jobs based on salary rather than personal interests?
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay presents a clear argument that salary is more important than personal interest when choosing a job. Key strengths include a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, critical areas for improvement include the need for more specific examples to support claims and better transitions between ideas. The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there were instances of incorrect word forms and unclear phrases that needed correction. Grammatical errors, particularly in subject-verb agreement and plural forms, detracted from the overall quality. The structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving word choice, and enhancing coherence with better transitions. For further improvement, the writer could incorporate specific examples or statistics to strengthen their argument and address potential counterarguments. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and persuasive style.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the flow of ideas could be improved with better transitions between sentences and paragraphs. For instance, using cohesive devices like 'Moreover' or 'In addition' could enhance the logical progression of ideas.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The essay contains several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues ('job is more importanter'), incorrect plural forms ('many problem'), and awkward constructions. While the meaning is generally clear, these errors detract from the overall quality. To improve, the writer should focus on sentence structure and grammatical accuracy.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several instances of incorrect word forms (e.g., 'importanter' should be 'more important', 'personnal' should be 'personal'). Additionally, the phrase 'base on salary instead of versatile' is unclear. To improve, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary and ensure correct word forms.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The essay addresses the prompt by arguing that salary is more important than personal interest when choosing a job. However, the development of ideas is somewhat limited, and the conclusion could be more robust. To improve, the writer could provide more specific examples or statistics to support their claims, as well as address potential counterarguments.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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