Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree.

Part 2
5.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

'These days, it ihas become more common for companyies to ask about personal information like hobbyies and martital status when peoples apply for jobs. There is disagreement about whether theseis information is useful and should be asked or not. In my opinion, the interests and family details of applicant iss are not always relevant forto the work. The job is separate from life at home and free-time activityies. For exeample, if someone enjoy tos cooking or playing football in theyir spare time, this hobby does not affect how good they are at the job most of the time. Sameimilarly, asking about marriage seems like a private question not related to skills for the job. Companyies should look at experience, degrees, and interviews instead. On ther side is that other hand, for some jobs, hobbies and personal life could matter. To illustrate, if one applyies for a management role, the interests like sports and reading can show leadership qualityies. In addition, for some fields that needrequire travel or long hours, it may help for companyies to know if a candidate is single or haves a family. ButHowever, in my view, this is only needed in specific cases, not for every job. To conclude, iI believe employers should limit asking personal informations in most job applications. It is better to focus on qualifications and work history to find the best person for the role. Only for particular job its can be okayit be acceptable to know about hobbies and martital status as additional information.'
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Expert Feedback

The essay presents a clear argument regarding the relevance of personal information in job applications, addressing both sides of the issue. Key strengths include a logical structure with distinct paragraphs for each main idea and a clear stance taken by the writer. However, critical areas for improvement include the need for more thorough development of ideas, stronger conclusions, and enhanced use of cohesive devices to improve the flow of the argument. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving spelling, and adding transitional phrases such as 'On the other hand' to enhance coherence. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include providing more specific examples to support the arguments and varying sentence structures to demonstrate greater grammatical range. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and objective stance throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a logical structure, with clear paragraphs for each main idea. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and transitions between ideas could be smoother. For instance, phrases like 'On the other hand' or 'Furthermore' could enhance the flow of the argument.
5.5
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues (e.g., 'it is become' should be 'it has become'), incorrect verb forms, and awkward constructions. While the writer demonstrates some range in sentence structures, the errors affect clarity. To improve, the writer should focus on grammatical accuracy and vary sentence structures more effectively.
5.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several spelling errors (e.g., 'hobbys', 'martial', 'peoples', 'exemple', 'insted', 'ilustrate', 'informations') that detract from the overall quality. To improve, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary accurately and checking for spelling mistakes.
5.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task by presenting both sides of the argument regarding the relevance of personal information in job applications. However, the development of ideas could be more thorough, and the conclusion could be stronger. To improve, the writer could provide more specific examples and elaborate on the points made.
6.0

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