Having more money and less free time is better than earning less money and having more free time. Discuss both views and state your opinion.
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the task by discussing both views and providing a personal opinion. Key strengths include a logical structure with distinct paragraphs for each viewpoint and a conclusion. However, critical areas for improvement include addressing spelling errors, enhancing the use of cohesive devices for smoother transitions, and correcting grammatical inaccuracies. Structural changes made include correcting spelling and grammatical errors, improving sentence clarity, and ensuring proper subject-verb agreement. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include providing specific examples to support points and varying sentence structures for greater complexity. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and objective style throughout.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay has a logical structure, with clear paragraphs for each viewpoint and a conclusion. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and transitions between ideas could be smoother. For example, using phrases like 'on the other hand' or 'in contrast' more effectively could enhance the flow. Additionally, some sentences are quite long and could be broken down for better clarity.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The essay demonstrates some grammatical range, but there are numerous errors in subject-verb agreement (e.g., 'person who earn' should be 'persons who earn'), verb forms, and sentence structure. These errors can lead to confusion and affect the overall readability. To improve, the writer should focus on proofreading for grammatical accuracy and varying sentence structures to enhance complexity.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several spelling errors (e.g., 'belive', 'luxory', 'restaurent', 'seciurity', 'emerginces', 'importance', 'relacks', 'travell', 'excersise', 'withouth', 'comfortible', 'preferrence', 'balanse', 'conclusien') that detract from the overall quality. The writer could benefit from using a wider range of vocabulary and ensuring correct spelling to enhance clarity and sophistication.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The essay addresses the task by discussing both views on the topic and providing a personal opinion. However, there are some inconsistencies in the argumentation, and the conclusion could be more clearly articulated. To improve, the writer could provide more specific examples to support their points and ensure that the opinion is clearly stated in the introduction and conclusion.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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