Hi, my name is Ruhshona. I'm from Canada. My hobby is football.
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the task, providing personal insights into the writer's hobby of football. Key strengths include a clear expression of enthusiasm for the sport and a friendly tone that engages the reader. However, critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, vocabulary range, and the use of cohesive devices. The structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving sentence structure, and enhancing coherence with better transitions. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include adding more specific experiences related to playing football and elaborating on the admiration for Lionel Messi. The tone used is appropriate for a friendly letter, maintaining a warm and inviting style.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay has a logical flow, but the use of cohesive devices is limited. There are some abrupt transitions between ideas, which can disrupt the reader's understanding. To improve, the writer could use more linking words and phrases to connect sentences and ideas more smoothly.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The writing contains numerous grammatical errors, including missing articles ('I from Canada' should be 'I am from Canada'), incorrect verb forms ('loves' should be 'love'), and sentence fragments. These issues hinder clarity and accuracy. To improve, the writer should focus on basic sentence structure and verb conjugation.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is quite basic, with several spelling errors (e.g., 'hoppy' instead of 'hobby', 'footbol' instead of 'football', 'teem' instead of 'team'). While the writer attempts to use some relevant terms, the frequent errors detract from the overall effectiveness. Expanding vocabulary and ensuring correct spelling would enhance this aspect.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The writing provides a basic introduction and shares personal information about the writer's hobby, football. However, it lacks depth and detail, which would enhance the response. For improvement, the writer could include more specific experiences related to playing football or elaborate on why they admire Lionel Messi.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
Related Writing Samples
You eat at your college cafeteria every lunch time. However, you think it needs some improvements. Write a letter to the college magazine. In your letter, explain what you like about the cafeteria say what is wrong with it suggest how it could be improved
The graph below shows average carbon dioxide (CO2) emissions per person in the United Kingdom, Sweden, Italy and Portugal between 1967 and 2007. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The graph below gives information about the percentage of the population in four Asian countries living in cities from 1970 to 2020, with predictions for 2030 and 2040. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The pie charts show the destination of export goods in three countries in 2010.
The chart below shows the expenditure of two countries on consumer goods in 2010.
"Violence in playgrounds is increasing. However, it is important that parents should teach children not to hit back at bullies."