In a recent survey conducted in this country, it was found that up to 20% of twelve year-olds in some schools were showing early signs of nicotine addiction. In the eighteen to twenty year age bracket the percentage was as high as 70%. A large contributing factor to this high level of addiction is attributed to the uncensored TV advertising of cigarettes. For this reason all cigarette advertising should be banned. Discuss

Part 2
6.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

The recent survey haves shown that the cigarette addiction among the youngs people is very high and increasing. The survey saiindicated that in some schools, 20% of 12-years -old students are showing the signs of nicotine addiction. This number is even more higher for the people from 18 to 20 years old, itindividuals aged 18 to 20, reachesing 70%. ItThis is a really high numberconcerning statistic, and we need to do somethingtake action to stop this trend. One of the main reasons for this high addiction rate is because of the TVthe television advertisement of cigarettes. The cCigarette companyies can freely advertise their products on TV without any restrictions. This make thes young people think that smoking is cool and they want, prompting them to try it. They see their favourite actors or singers smoking in the advertisements and they want to imitate them. The advertisements make smoking look like aappear normal and even desirable thing to do. I think. I believe that the government should ban all the cigarette advertisements on TV. This willould help to reduce the number of young people who start smoking. If they don not see the advertisements, they will be less likely to think thatperceive smoking ias a good thing to do. The government should also put more restricpositive activity. Furthermore, the government should impose stricter regulations on the sale of cigarettes to the underage peopleindividuals. They should increase the fines for the shop whos that sell cigarettes to the underage peopleminors. In conclusion, I believe that banning the cigarette advertisements on TV is a necessary step to reduce the high rate of cigarette addiction among the young people. The government should also take otherimplement additional measures to discourage the young peopleyouth from smoking. This is importantcrucial for the health of our future generations.
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Expert Feedback

The essay effectively addresses the task by discussing the issue of nicotine addiction among young people and advocating for a ban on cigarette advertisements. Key strengths include a clear position and logical structure. However, critical areas for improvement include enhancing the development of ideas with specific examples and counterarguments, improving coherence with better transitions, and correcting grammatical errors. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical inaccuracies, improving vocabulary usage, and enhancing transitions between ideas. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include providing more detailed examples of the impact of advertising and discussing potential counterarguments to strengthen the argument. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and persuasive style.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. However, the flow of ideas could be enhanced with better use of cohesive devices. For example, transitions between sentences and paragraphs could be smoother. Phrases like 'on the other hand' or 'furthermore' could help in linking ideas more effectively.
6.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues ('have shown' should be 'has shown'), incorrect plural forms ('the youngs' should be 'young people'), and awkward constructions ('this make' should be 'this makes'). While the meaning is generally clear, these errors detract from the overall quality. To improve, the writer should focus on proofreading for grammatical accuracy and varying sentence structures.
5.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are instances of repetition and some inaccuracies, such as 'the youngs' instead of 'young people' and 'the advertisement make' instead of 'the advertisements make.' To improve, the writer could incorporate a wider range of vocabulary and avoid redundancy, such as using synonyms for 'advertisement' or 'cigarette.'
6.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task by discussing the issue of nicotine addiction among young people and the role of cigarette advertising. It presents a clear position advocating for a ban on cigarette advertisements. However, the development of ideas could be improved with more specific examples and a deeper exploration of the implications of the proposed ban. For instance, discussing potential counterarguments or additional measures could strengthen the argument.
6.5

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