In many cities, the problems related to overpopulation are becoming common. Some governments are now encouraging businesses and individuals to move out of cities to rural areas. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?
Sample Essay with Corrections
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The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the task, addressing both the advantages and disadvantages of encouraging movement from cities to rural areas. Key strengths include a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, as well as a clear presentation of ideas. However, critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, vocabulary range, and the need for more specific examples to support arguments. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, enhancing coherence with better transitions, and refining vocabulary for clarity and sophistication. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include incorporating specific examples or statistics to strengthen arguments and adopting a more formal tone throughout the essay. Overall, the tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, but it could benefit from a more formal style in certain areas.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the flow of ideas is sometimes disrupted by awkward phrasing and a lack of clear transitions between points. For example, the transition from discussing the benefits of moving to rural areas to the disadvantages could be smoother. Using more cohesive devices, such as 'furthermore' or 'in addition,' would enhance the overall coherence.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The essay contains numerous grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues ('the goverment try' should be 'the government tries') and incorrect verb forms ('make' should be 'making'). There are also issues with pluralization and sentence structure that hinder clarity. While the writer demonstrates some grammatical range, the frequency of errors significantly impacts the overall accuracy. To improve, the writer should focus on proofreading for common grammatical mistakes and varying sentence structures.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several instances of repetition and incorrect word forms, such as 'citys' instead of 'cities' and 'ekonomi' instead of 'economy.' Additionally, the use of phrases like 'better life' and 'more develop' lacks sophistication. To improve, the writer could incorporate a wider range of vocabulary and idiomatic expressions, such as 'enhance quality of life' or 'foster economic growth.'
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The essay addresses the task by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of encouraging movement from cities to rural areas. However, the development of ideas is somewhat limited, and the arguments could be more thoroughly supported with specific examples. For instance, mentioning specific types of businesses that could thrive in rural areas or providing statistics on overpopulation would strengthen the response. Additionally, the tone could be more formal.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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