In many countries, although people work hard throughout their lives, they still don't have enough money to live comfortably in their retirement. Identify some causes of this retirement issue and suggest possible solutions.

Part 2
7.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

In today's world, many people are facing bsignificant problems when they retire because they don't have enough money to live a good life. I will discuss what I think are the main reasons for this situation and offer some ideas on how to fix it. One of important causes of why people struggle with money after retirement is becausethat they do not save enough whilen they are working. LikeFor instance, in my country, most people spend alltheir entire salary foron daily needs and buying things they want, so they putpurchasing items they desire, leaving very little money awayllocated for future savings. Another reason that makeexacerbates this problem worse is that prices go up very fastare rising rapidly nowadays, butwhile the money people save doesn' not grow as quickly as inflation. Alsodditionally, many workers don't understand good about not have a good understanding of financial planning, so theywhich leads them to missing opportunities to make their money grow better. For solving these problemmore effectively. To address these issues, I believe the government and companies need to help people more. First thing they should do is make betterprovide more support to individuals. The first step they should take is to improve education abouton money management, so people can learn from a young age how important it is to save money. GThe government could also make rules that companies must put some money fromimplement regulations requiring companies to contribute a portion of workers' salaryies into a special retirement account every month. This way, workers will have savings even if they do not actively think about it. AdditionallyFurthermore, I think banks should offer special savings accounts for retired peopleindividuals where their money can grow more than normalat a higher rate than in standard accounts. In conclusion, although there are several reasons why many retired people have money problemface financial difficulties, I believe ifthat if the government, companies, and banks work together with people, we can makcollaborate with individuals, we can improve the situation better. M. The most important aspect is to help people understand aboutthe significance of saving money and to make it easier for them to save for retirement. If we do these thingimplement these strategies, more people can haveenjoy a comfortable life after they stop working.
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Expert Feedback

The essay demonstrates several strengths, including a clear understanding of the task and relevant points regarding the causes and solutions to retirement financial issues. The structure is generally well-organized, with a logical flow of ideas. However, there are critical areas for improvement. The vocabulary could be more varied to avoid repetition and awkward phrasing, and grammatical accuracy needs enhancement to improve clarity. The use of more complex sentence structures would also elevate the overall quality of the writing. Structural changes made include refining topic sentences for clarity, improving transitions between ideas, and correcting grammatical errors. Additionally, I replaced some phrases with more appropriate vocabulary to enhance lexical resource. For further improvements, the writer could include specific examples or statistics to support their arguments, particularly in the discussion of financial planning. Incorporating a wider range of cohesive devices would also improve coherence. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and informative style throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay is generally coherent, with a logical flow of ideas. However, some transitions between sentences and paragraphs could be smoother. For instance, the phrase 'Another reason that make this problem worse' could be better linked to the previous point. Using more varied cohesive devices would enhance the overall clarity and fluency of the writing.
7.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures, but there are several errors that affect clarity, such as 'they not save enough' and 'the money people save doesn't grow as quick as inflation.' While the meaning is generally clear, improving grammatical accuracy and using more complex sentence structures would enhance the overall quality of the writing.
6.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is mostly appropriate, but there are instances of repetition and awkward phrasing, such as 'live good life' and 'missing opportunities.' The writer could improve by incorporating a wider range of vocabulary and idiomatic expressions. For example, instead of 'put very little money away,' they could say 'allocate minimal funds for savings.'
6.5
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task by identifying causes of the retirement issue and suggesting solutions. The main ideas are relevant and developed, although some points could benefit from further elaboration. For example, the discussion on financial planning could include specific strategies. To improve, the writer could provide more detailed examples or statistics to strengthen their arguments.
7.5

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