In some countries few people earn extremely high salaries. Some people say that this is good for a country, while others believe that the government should control salaries and limit the amount people can earn. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the task by discussing both views on high salaries and providing a personal opinion. Key strengths include a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, vocabulary range, and the depth of argumentation. The structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving coherence with better transitions, and enhancing vocabulary usage. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include providing specific examples to support arguments and varying sentence structures to enhance readability. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and objective stance throughout.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the flow of ideas is sometimes disrupted by awkward phrasing and unclear transitions. For example, phrases like 'on the other hand' could be better linked to the previous point. Improving the use of cohesive devices and ensuring logical progression would enhance coherence.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The essay contains numerous grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues ('some who thinks'), incorrect prepositions ('take control on salaries'), and awkward sentence structures. While the writer demonstrates some range, the frequent errors hinder clarity. Focusing on grammatical accuracy and varying sentence structures would improve this score.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is somewhat limited and includes several errors, such as 'peoples' instead of 'people' and 'beter' instead of 'better.' There are also instances of repetition, such as using 'high salaries' multiple times. To improve, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary and ensure correct word forms.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The essay addresses the task by discussing both views on high salaries and providing a personal opinion. However, it lacks depth in exploring the arguments and could benefit from more specific examples. For improvement, the writer could elaborate on the benefits of high salaries and the potential consequences of government intervention with clearer examples.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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