In some countries people's weight has significantly increased while their levels of health have decreased. What do you think may be the causes of this problem and what solutions can you suggest solving them?

Part 2
5.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

In many countryies, people are becomeing more and more fatoverweight, and their health is going downdeclining. I think that this big problem because of manyis a significant problem due to several reasons. Fristirstly, peoples eat consume too much unhealthy food like, such as junk food and snacks. When youone eats this type of food all the time, youthey gain a lots of weight, and youtheir body not healthy anymorebecomes unhealthy. Second, thely, people hasve no time to exersiccise. Everyone is busy with work and does not have free time, so they just sit all day and get faain weight from not moving. TA third reason Iis think is food withat food containing sugar and chemicals can make you addicted and you just wanna eatindividuals addicted, leading them to crave more. For To solvinge this issue, the government must dotake some actions. First, putthey should impose a tax on junk food and soda, so people buy les of it because is expensive. Then that money from taxes can pay for puttingmaking these items more expensive and thus less appealing to consumers. The revenue generated from these taxes could be used to provide healthy food in schools and educatea ching kids to eat the right wayldren about proper nutrition from a young age. Alsodditionally, the government should make ads on TV aboutcreate advertisements on television highlighting the dangers of being overweight and the benefits for your body if youof regular exercise. Companies should bface fineds if they put too muchinclude excessive sugear and chemicals in food to make people addicted like drugs. If we do thistheir products, which can lead to addiction similar to drugs. If we implement these steps, I believe it can significantly improve the situation greatly. In conclusion, overweightbesity is a serious issue in lot ofmany countries these odays. MThe main causes, in my opinion, are badpoor eating habits, no exersizelack of exercise, and addictive food. To solveaddress this, the government should putimpose taxes and fines, and also educate people better about how to be healthy. I think is hards well as enhance public education about healthy living. I believe it is a challenging problem, but if everyone wotkrks together, we can makachieve bsignificant improvements in the future.
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Expert Feedback

The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the task by identifying causes of obesity and proposing solutions. Key strengths include a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, critical areas for improvement include the need for more depth in the explanations of causes and solutions, as well as the use of more varied vocabulary to avoid repetition. Structural changes made include the addition of cohesive devices such as 'firstly', 'secondly', and 'a third reason' to improve the flow of ideas. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include providing specific examples to support claims, enhancing vocabulary sophistication, and correcting all grammatical errors. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and informative style throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the flow of ideas is somewhat disjointed, and transitions between points could be improved. Using cohesive devices more effectively, such as 'firstly', 'secondly', and 'finally', would enhance clarity.
5.5
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues ('the people has no time'), incorrect verb forms ('exersice' should be 'exercise'), and spelling mistakes ('Frist', 'suger', 'wotk'). While the meaning is generally clear, these errors detract from the overall quality. Improving grammatical accuracy and range would enhance the score.
5.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several instances of repetition (e.g., 'junk food', 'people') and some inaccuracies (e.g., 'fat' could be replaced with 'overweight'). More varied and sophisticated vocabulary would improve the score, such as using 'unhealthy dietary choices' instead of 'bad eating habits'.
5.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task by identifying causes of weight gain and suggesting solutions. However, it lacks depth in the explanation of causes and solutions, and some points could be better developed with examples. For instance, elaborating on how education can change eating habits would strengthen the argument.
6.0

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