In some countries, secondary schools aim to provide a general education across a range of subjects. In others, children focus on a narrow range of subjects related to a particular career. Which do you think is appropriate in today's world?

Part 2
6.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

Some countries provides education in secondary schools across various subjects, whereas secondary schools in some other countries let students focus only on a few subjects related to their future careers. In my opinion, in today's world, it is more suitable for students at the secondary level to study a wide range of subjects. Firstly, learning multiple subjects helps students to improve their skills in different areas. For example, maths can helpenhance students to enhance' logical skills and, while science subjects can improve critical thinking. Moreover, Iif students learns different subjects, they can understand which subject iss are more interesting forto them and which subjectones they enjoy the most. This understanding can help students to make informed decisions about their future career.s. On the other hand, learning only a limited number of subjects related to a career may be less effective. FThe firstly reason is that students at the secondary level may not be sure about what career to choose in the future. If they study only career-focused subjects, they may not gethave the chance to change their field later. MoreoverFurthermore, even if a student haves decided abouton their career, learning only subjects related to that career may limit their thinking ability. They may not be abstruggle to think out ofside the box and may struggleface challenges in other areas of life. In conclusion, I believe that secondary schools should provide education in a variety of subjects to help students improve their skills and make informed decisions about their future careers. Limiting the subjects to career-focused ones may not be the best approach in today's rapidly changing world.
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Expert Feedback

The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the task and presents a well-structured argument in favour of a broad education in secondary schools. Key strengths include a logical progression of ideas and a clear position on the topic. However, critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, particularly with subject-verb agreement and verb forms, as well as the need for more varied vocabulary to avoid repetition. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, enhancing transitions between points, and refining the clarity of topic sentences. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include incorporating more specific examples to illustrate the benefits of a broad education and using a wider range of cohesive devices to improve the flow of the essay. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and objective stance throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay is generally coherent, with a logical progression of ideas. However, some transitions between points could be smoother. For example, the phrase 'On the other hand' could be better supported with a clearer connection to the previous point. Using more varied cohesive devices would enhance the overall flow of the essay.
6.5
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains several grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues ('Some countries provides' should be 'Some countries provide') and incorrect verb forms ('students learns' should be 'students learn'). While the overall meaning is clear, these errors detract from the overall quality. A greater variety of sentence structures would also improve the score.
6.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is appropriate, but there are instances of repetition, such as 'subjects' and 'students.' Additionally, phrases like 'limited subjects' and 'career-focused subjects' could be varied to demonstrate a wider lexical range. Incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and idiomatic expressions would elevate the writing.
6.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task by discussing both approaches to secondary education and clearly presents a position in favor of a general education. However, it could benefit from more specific examples and a deeper exploration of the implications of each approach. For instance, discussing how a broad education can lead to adaptability in a changing job market would strengthen the argument.
7.0

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