In some countries young people have little leisure time and are under a lot of pressure to work hard in their studies. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Part 2
6.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

In many developed countries around the world, the youth's time is increasingly occupied by study and work, leaving very fewlittle time for leaisure activities. There are several causes of this trend which iI will explore in this essay. Additionally, some possible solutions are suggested to address the issue. The principale reason for less leaisure time nowadays is the highly competitive nature of education and job markets. In order to securinge a spot at a top university or land a good job, students must pour hour after hour into their studies, revision, and exam prepearation. For example, in my country, it is not uncommon for students to spend 12 hours per day studying, especially in the month leading up to critical university entrance exams. Furthermore, even younger children face pressure to excel academically in order to pave the way for a successful future career. This leaves precious little time for play and relax.ation. Secondly, the increase in both parents working means children often have less supervision and guideance in terms of leisure activityies. Parents are more concerned with their child's academic performance than with their hobbies and socialising. They may push kids to take extra tuition or attend cram schools in the evenings and on weekends rather than engaging in sports or hanging out with friends. However, some steps could be taken to improve the situation for youth. One option is for schools to include more leaisure activities as part of the curriculum. This could be things like sports, music, and drama, which allow students to relax and develop non-academic skills. Governemtnments could also invest in youth centres and parks to provide safe spaces for young peeople to spend their free time. In conclusion, while it is understandable that students face great pressure to succeed academically and professionally, it is important not to neglect the value of leaisure time. With some creative thinking, solutions can be found to strike a healthy balance for today's youth.
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Expert Feedback

The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the task, addressing both the causes of limited leisure time for young people and suggesting potential solutions. Key strengths include a logical structure with distinct paragraphs for each main idea and relevant examples that support the arguments presented. However, critical areas for improvement include the need for more thorough development of ideas, particularly regarding the implications of the competitive nature of education. Additionally, the essay contains several grammatical errors and awkward constructions that detract from clarity. The use of cohesive devices could be enhanced to improve the flow between ideas. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving transitions between paragraphs, and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include providing more specific examples and elaborating on the implications of the issues discussed. The tone of the essay is generally appropriate for an academic context, but it could benefit from a more formal vocabulary in certain areas. Overall, with focused revisions, the essay could achieve a higher score in all assessment criteria.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a logical structure, with clear paragraphs for each main idea. However, the transitions between ideas could be smoother, and some sentences feel disjointed. For example, the connection between parental pressure and leisure time could be more explicitly stated. To improve coherence, the writer could use more cohesive devices and ensure that each paragraph flows logically into the next.
6.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures, but there are numerous grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues ('the youth time is increasingly occupied'), incorrect verb forms ('to securing'), and awkward constructions ('this leave precious little time'). These errors affect clarity and overall effectiveness. To improve, the writer should focus on proofreading for grammatical accuracy and varying sentence structures.
5.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several instances of repetition and misused words, such as 'leasure' instead of 'leisure' and 'concered' instead of 'concerned.' The essay also contains some informal phrases that detract from the academic tone, such as 'hang out friends.' To enhance lexical resource, the writer should aim for more varied vocabulary and ensure correct spelling and usage.
6.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task by discussing the causes of limited leisure time for young people and suggesting solutions. However, the development of ideas could be more thorough, and some points lack depth. For instance, while the competitive nature of education is mentioned, further elaboration on its implications would strengthen the argument. To improve, the writer could provide more specific examples and a clearer structure to enhance the overall argument.
6.5

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