In some countries young people have little leisure time and are under a lot of pressure to work hard on their studies. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?

Part 2
5.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

Dear Sir or Madam, Today iI will talk about the situation where some country'sies' young people have less leisure time because they need to work hard for their studyies. This is an interesting topic as it affects many young people around the world. There are a few causes for this situation which iI think are important. Firstly, competition haves become really intense in schools and universities. Young people feel pressure to perform better thean their peers in order to secure good jobs or admission into top schools. This leads to them spending more time studying and less time relaxing. Secondly, parents and society have high expectation froms of young people nowadays. They want their children to be successful and earning high salaries. This puts a lot of pressure on young people to study hard and achieve good grades, leaving little time for hobbies and leisure activities. To address this problem, iI suggest some solutions. Schools and universities must promote a balance between studies and laeisure time. They can encourage students to participate in extracurricular activities, sports, and hobbies. ItThis will helps reduce stress and provide a break from constant studying. Also, ultimately enhancing their academic performance. Furthermore, parents and society need to change their mindset. They should understand the value of leisure time for young people's overall well-being and development. Instead off putting pressure on their children to only focus ion studies, they should encourage them to pursue their interests and passions. In conclusion, while it is important for young people two work hard and succeed in their studies, it is equally important for them to have leisure time for relaxation and personal growth. By promoting a healthy balance and changing societal attitudes, we can ensure that young people have the opportunity to thrive both acadaemically and personally. Yours sincerely, [Name]
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Expert Feedback

The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the task, addressing both the causes of young people's lack of leisure time and suggesting solutions. Key strengths include a relevant topic and a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, spelling, and the use of more sophisticated vocabulary. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving spelling, and enhancing coherence with better linking phrases such as 'Furthermore'. The overall flow of ideas has been smoothed out to create a more cohesive argument. For further improvements, the writer could incorporate specific examples to illustrate how extracurricular activities benefit students, as well as vary sentence structures to enhance grammatical range. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and respectful approach throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the flow of ideas could be improved with better linking phrases and transitions. For example, using phrases like 'In addition' or 'Furthermore' could enhance the connection between ideas. Some sentences feel abrupt and could benefit from smoother transitions.
5.5
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains several grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues ('competition have become'), incorrect verb forms ('lead' should be 'leads'), and awkward constructions. While the overall meaning is clear, these errors detract from the overall quality. To improve, the writer should focus on proofreading for grammatical accuracy and varying sentence structures.
5.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several spelling errors (e.g., 'peole', 'laesure', 'encurage') and repetitive phrases (e.g., 'pressure to study hard'). To improve, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary and ensure correct spelling. Incorporating more sophisticated terms related to education and well-being could enhance the lexical resource score.
5.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task by discussing the causes of young people's lack of leisure time and suggesting solutions. However, the response could be improved by providing more specific examples and a clearer structure. For instance, elaborating on how extracurricular activities can specifically benefit students would strengthen the argument.
6.0

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