In some countries, younger people are neglecting their right to vote. What problems does this cause and what are some possible solutions?

Part 2
5.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

In many countryies, young peoples are not caring abouto voting. I think this can causinge many problems, and it's important we solve it. F The first problem is, that if young people do not votinge, then their voices are not heard by the government. The gonvernment will only listen to older people and make decisions that helps them only. This is unfair for young peoples. For example, if young people want more money for the educations, but they don't vote, then the government will never know this and will never gives more money. So theallocate more funds. Consequently, young people suffer. Another problem is that, if young people don not care about voteing, then they also don not care about politics and what is happening in they'reir country. This is not good for the country's future. We need young people to be engaged and to care, so that they can help make the country better. If they just ignore and dont votethe voting process, then nothing will change, and maybperhaps the country will get worse. So what we can we do? I think first we need to educatione young people about the importantce of voting. We need to tell them that theyir voices matter and they need to use ithem. Schools should teach about this and why it is important. GThe government should also makinge voting easyier for young people, likesuch as by having online voting or voting in schools. We also need to make politics more interesting for young peoples. Right now, its often seems like just older maen talking and its, which can be boring. We need to find ways to make it fun and relevant for young. Maybe use social media more or havthe youth. Perhaps we could use social media more effectively or encourage young people to run for office. If young people feel likethat politics is for them too, then they will caringe more and want to vote. In conclusion, iI believe that young peoplthe neglect of voting is bigby young people is a significant problem for the country, but there are ways we can solve it. We need to educatione them and make politics more interestengaging for them. Only then they will they start to care and use theyir voices. It's important for the future of the country.
DeletedOriginal textAddedCorrected text

Expert Feedback

The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the task by identifying problems related to young people's neglect of voting and suggesting potential solutions. Key strengths include a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, as well as a relevant topic. However, critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, vocabulary range, and the depth of examples provided. The structural changes made focused on correcting grammatical errors, enhancing clarity, and improving transitions between ideas. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include providing more specific examples of proposed solutions and elaborating on the consequences of neglecting the vote. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and persuasive style throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the flow of ideas could be improved with better transitions and clearer connections between sentences. For instance, using cohesive devices like 'Furthermore' or 'In addition' could enhance the logical progression of ideas. The writer should also ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea.
5.5
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains numerous grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues ('young peoples are not caring'), incorrect verb forms ('can causing'), and punctuation mistakes. These errors detract from the overall clarity of the writing. To improve, the writer should focus on proofreading their work for grammatical accuracy and varying sentence structures to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical competence.
4.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several instances of repetition and inaccuracies, such as 'young peoples' instead of 'young people' and 'the gonvernment' instead of 'the government.' The writer could benefit from using a wider range of vocabulary and more precise terms to convey their ideas effectively. For example, instead of 'make politics more interesting,' they could say 'engage young people in political discourse.'
5.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task by identifying problems related to young people's neglect of voting and suggesting possible solutions. However, the development of ideas is somewhat limited, and the examples provided lack depth. To improve, the writer could elaborate on the consequences of neglecting the vote and provide more specific examples of how proposed solutions could be implemented.
5.0

Related Writing Samples

Part 2
5.0

Many people believe that social networking sites (such as Facebook) have had a huge negative impact on individuals and society. To what extent do you agree?

Part 2
6.5

Whether or not someone achieves their aims is mostly a question of luck. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Part 2
8.0

We have become a disposable society, preferring to buy new products rather than fixing existing items. What are the causes of this trend and what are the possible solutions?

Part 2
5.5

The tendency that news reports in media focus on problems and emergencies rather than on positive developments is harmful for individuals and the society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Part 2
7.0

Today single-use products are still very common. Why is this? What are the problems associated with this?

Part 2
6.5

In the future, more people will choose to go on holiday in their own country and not travel abroad on holiday. Do you agree or disagree?