In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

Part 2
6.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

In some cultures, children are often tellingold that they can achieve anything if they try hard enougth. This haves both advantages and disadvantages for childrens. In my opinion, I am believinge that it has more positive sideaspects than the negatives. ones. On the one hand, there are several benefits of this messages to children. Firstly, it gives children confidentsce and motivation to pursue their dreams. If childrens believe that they can achieve anything with hard work, they will be more likely to put in the effort and time required to reach their goals. Additionally, this message also teaches children the value of perseverance and determination. They will learn that success does not come easily and that they must work hard and not give up when faced with challenges or setbacks. On the other hand, there are also some drawbacks to telling children that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. One disadvantage is that it may lead to unrealistic expectations and disappointment. Children may set their goals too high and become frustrated or discouraged when they do not achieve them despite their best efforts. Moreover, this message may also overlook the role of other factors such as natural talent, resources, and opportunities in achieving success. Children may blame themselves for not achieving their goals even when there are external factors beyond their control. In conclusion, while telling children that they can achieve anything with hard work has its advantages, it is important to also teach them about the limitations and realities of life. Parents and educators should encourage children to pursue their dreams while also helping them develop resilience and adaptability in the face of challenges and setbacks.
DeletedOriginal textAddedCorrected text

Expert Feedback

The essay effectively addresses the task by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of the message given to children about achieving anything through hard work. Key strengths include a clear position and relevant ideas. However, critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, spelling, and coherence in transitions. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving spelling, and enhancing the clarity of the introduction and conclusion. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented include providing specific examples or case studies to illustrate points and varying vocabulary to reduce repetition. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and objective stance throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay is generally coherent, with a logical flow of ideas. However, some transitions between sentences and paragraphs could be smoother. For instance, the use of cohesive devices could be enhanced to better link ideas. To improve coherence, the writer could use more varied linking phrases and ensure that each paragraph clearly relates back to the main argument.
6.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues ('This have both advantage and disadvantage'), incorrect verb forms ('are often telling'), and awkward constructions. While the meaning is generally clear, these errors affect the overall accuracy. To improve, the writer should focus on proofreading for grammatical mistakes and varying sentence structures to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical competence.
5.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several spelling errors (e.g., 'achive', 'enougth', 'confidents', 'childrens') that detract from the overall quality. The writer demonstrates some range in vocabulary, but the repetition of certain phrases (e.g., 'achieve anything', 'hard work') could be reduced. To improve, the writer should focus on using a wider range of synonyms and ensuring correct spelling.
6.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of the message given to children about achieving anything through hard work. The position is clear, and the ideas are developed with relevant examples. However, the introduction could be more precise, and the conclusion could reinforce the main points more effectively. To improve, the writer could provide more specific examples or case studies to illustrate their points.
6.5

Related Writing Samples

Part 2
5.0

Many people believe that social networking sites (such as Facebook) have had a huge negative impact on individuals and society. To what extent do you agree?

Part 2
6.5

Whether or not someone achieves their aims is mostly a question of luck. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Part 2
8.0

We have become a disposable society, preferring to buy new products rather than fixing existing items. What are the causes of this trend and what are the possible solutions?

Part 2
5.5

The tendency that news reports in media focus on problems and emergencies rather than on positive developments is harmful for individuals and the society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Part 2
7.0

Today single-use products are still very common. Why is this? What are the problems associated with this?

Part 2
6.5

In the future, more people will choose to go on holiday in their own country and not travel abroad on holiday. Do you agree or disagree?