In today's competitive world, many families find it necessary for both parents to go out to work. While some say the children in these families benefit from the additional income, others feel they lack support because of their parents' absence. Which viewpoint do you agree with?

Part 2
6.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

These days, in many familyies, both the mother and father have to working to earn money. Some people believes that this is good for the childrens because the family haves more money to spend on them. However, others think that the lack of parental support at home haves a negative aeffect. In this essay, I will discuss both sides of this issue. On the one hand, when both parents work, they earn more money to support the family. They can buy better food, clothes, and educational resources for theire children. For example, they can pay for private school or tutoring to help children succeed in school. Familyies can also afford to travel and have more experiences. This can broaden the child's horizons and help them learn about the world. in a more meaningful way. On the other hand, when mbother and father parents are working all the time, they may not have much time forto spend with their children. Children may feel lonely or unsupported without theire parents around. They may not have anyone to help with homework or listen to theire problems. This lack of support can lead to behaviorural issues or poor grades in school. In my opinion, I believe that overall it is better when both parents work. While it is important for parents to spend some time with their children, the financial benefits of two incomes can provide more opportunities for the family. If parents make an effort to be with theire childrens as much as possible outside of work, the positives outweigh the negatives. In conclusion, there are points to consider on both sides of this issue. While children may miss out on some parental support, the additional income from both parents working can improve the family's quality of life. I believe that with a balanced approach, children can still thrive in this situation.
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Expert Feedback

The essay effectively addresses the task by discussing both viewpoints regarding the impact of both parents working on children, and it presents a clear opinion that leans towards the benefits of dual incomes. Key strengths include a logical structure with clear paragraphs for each viewpoint and a relevant conclusion. However, critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, vocabulary range, and the development of ideas with more specific examples. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving coherence with better transitions, and ensuring proper subject-verb agreement. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include incorporating more varied vocabulary and providing additional concrete examples to support the arguments. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and objective stance throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a logical structure, with clear paragraphs for each viewpoint. However, the transitions between ideas could be smoother, and some sentences feel disjointed. For instance, the phrase 'this can broaden the child's horizons' could be better linked to the previous sentence. To improve coherence, the writer should use more cohesive devices and ensure that each idea flows logically into the next.
6.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues ('some people believes'), incorrect verb forms ('have to working'), and misuse of articles ('in many family'). While the meaning is generally clear, these errors detract from the overall quality. To improve, the writer should focus on proofreading for grammatical accuracy and varying sentence structures to demonstrate a wider range.
5.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are instances of repetition and some inaccuracies, such as 'have to working' instead of 'have to work' and 'there' instead of 'their'. The use of phrases like 'broaden the child's horizons' shows some sophistication, but the overall range of vocabulary is limited. To enhance this score, the writer should aim to use a wider variety of vocabulary and ensure correct usage.
6.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task by discussing both viewpoints regarding the impact of both parents working on children. It presents a clear opinion that leans towards the benefits of dual incomes. However, the development of ideas could be more thorough, with more specific examples and a clearer structure in the argumentation. For improvement, the writer could elaborate on the negative effects of parental absence with more concrete examples.
6.5

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