In your opinion, why is the circus still a popular form of entertainment in the modern electronic age?
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the topic and addresses the prompt by providing reasons for the circus's continued popularity. Key strengths include a coherent structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, vocabulary range, and the depth of argumentation. The structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving word choice, and enhancing coherence through clearer transitions. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include providing specific examples of emotional connections to live performances and varying sentence structures for better flow. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and informative style.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the flow of ideas is sometimes disrupted by awkward phrasing and grammatical errors. Using clearer transitions between points and ensuring that each paragraph focuses on a single idea would improve coherence. For example, linking the unique acts to the overall experience more explicitly could enhance cohesion.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The essay contains numerous grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues ('the circus have' should be 'the circus has'), incorrect verb forms ('to be shooted' should be 'to be shot'), and awkward sentence structures. While the meaning is generally clear, these errors detract from the overall quality. Improving grammatical accuracy and varying sentence structures would significantly enhance this score.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several instances of repetition and misused words (e.g., 'surpriseing' instead of 'surprising', 'peoples' instead of 'people'). The essay could benefit from a wider range of vocabulary and more precise word choices. Incorporating synonyms or more descriptive language would enhance the lexical resource.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The essay addresses the prompt by providing reasons for the circus's continued popularity in the modern electronic age. However, it lacks depth in developing these ideas and could benefit from more specific examples or elaboration. For instance, discussing the emotional connection people feel at live performances compared to electronic entertainment could strengthen the argument.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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