It is becoming more and more difficult to escape the influence of the media on our lives. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of living in a media rich society.
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay effectively addresses the task by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of living in a media-rich society. Key strengths include a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, as well as a relevant topic. However, critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, vocabulary range, and the development of ideas. The structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving coherence with better transitions, and enhancing clarity by refining awkward phrases. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include providing specific examples to support points and varying sentence structures to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical competence. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and objective style throughout.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the flow of ideas is occasionally disrupted by awkward phrasing and grammatical errors. The use of cohesive devices is present but could be more varied and effective. For instance, using linking words such as 'furthermore' or 'in addition' could enhance the logical progression of ideas.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The essay contains numerous grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues, incorrect verb forms, and awkward sentence structures. These errors hinder the overall clarity of the writing. To improve, the writer should focus on proofreading their work for grammatical accuracy and varying sentence structures to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical competence.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate for the topic, with some attempts at more sophisticated language (e.g., 'influencing', 'manipulating'). However, there are several instances of repetitive word choices (e.g., 'medias', 'peoples') and some inaccuracies (e.g., 'off' instead of 'of'). To improve, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary and ensure correct usage.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The essay addresses the task by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of living in a media-rich society. However, the development of ideas is somewhat limited, and there are several grammatical errors that detract from the clarity of the argument. To improve, the writer could provide more specific examples to support their points and ensure that the ideas are fully developed.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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