It is commonly believed that nowadays main factors that affect a child's development are media, pop culture and friends. A different point of view is that family plays the most significant role. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Part 1 (General)
5.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

Different personsople have various opinions about which factors affect the development of a child the most. Some peoplbelieve thinkat thate development of a child is mainlyly affected by media, popular culture, and friends, while others believargue that the upbringing by the family plays the most significant role. I will discuss both views in the following paragraphs and present my opinion which isthat media and friends affect thea child's development the most. The first view is that media, pop culture, and friends affectsignificantly influence child development the most. Proponents of this view argue that nowadays, children spend a lot of time on the internet, social media, gaming, and watching TV. This affects the views and belivingefs of children. Moreover, friends also influence children more because childthey spend a loconsiderable amount of time with friendtheir peers in school and outside of school. SoAs a result, children learn a lot of things and getare influence fromd by their friends' circles. This view is valid to some extent but fails to consider the importance of family. The opposite view is that family plays the most significant role in a child's growth. Family shapes thea child's belifefs and values from early childhood. If thea child has a good family background, the child will havey will likely develop good values and believefs. Furthermore, family also provides a goodconducive learning environment to child. For example, if parents reads books to their children from an early age, the children will develop good reading habits. ButHowever, in my opinion, this view is not entirely correct because child getren receive more influence from media and friends in the long- term. To summarize, theire are two views on what factors affect thea child's growth and development the most. The first view is that media, pop culture, and friends affect the child the mosthave the most significant impact, while the second view is that family plays the most important role. In my opeinion, media and friends affects the a child's development of the child the most in today's world because children spend a lot of time on the internete and with friends so they get, thus being influence fromd by them.
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Expert Feedback

The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the task by discussing both views on the factors affecting a child's development and presenting a personal opinion. Key strengths include a logical structure with distinct paragraphs and a clear introduction and conclusion. However, critical areas for improvement include enhancing the argument with specific examples and clearer reasoning, as well as addressing grammatical errors and spelling mistakes. Structural changes made include correcting subject-verb agreement, improving transitions between ideas, and refining vocabulary to avoid repetition. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include providing more detailed examples or statistics to support claims and varying sentence structures for better grammatical range. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and objective style throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with clear paragraphs, but the flow of ideas could be improved. Some sentences are repetitive, and transitions between ideas are not always smooth. Using more cohesive devices, such as 'furthermore' or 'in addition,' could enhance the overall coherence.
6.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues (e.g., 'child spend' should be 'children spend') and awkward constructions. While the writer demonstrates some range in sentence structures, the errors detract from clarity. Focusing on grammatical accuracy and varying sentence structures would enhance the score.
5.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several instances of repetition (e.g., 'child' and 'development'). Additionally, there are spelling errors such as 'mainlyly,' 'nowdays,' 'belivings,' and 'internete.' To improve, the writer should aim for a wider range of vocabulary and check for spelling accuracy.
5.5
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task by discussing both views on the factors affecting a child's development and presents a clear opinion. However, the argument could be more developed with specific examples and clearer reasoning. For instance, elaborating on how media influences behavior or providing statistics could strengthen the argument.
6.0

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