It is suggested that all young adults should undertake a period of unpaid work, helping people in the community. Do you agree or disagree?

Part 2
6.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

In today's globalized world, it haves been suggested that all young adults should take part in a period of voluntary community service. I personally agree towith this idea because I beliefve unpaid work can provide numerous benefits to both youngsters and society as a whole. Firstly, doing voluntary work can be an extremely valuable experience for young people. It gives them the opportunity to gain practikcal skills and knowledge that they cannot acquire through formal education alone. For example, by helping out at a local charity or community organization, they can learn about teamwork, communication, and problem-solveing. Additionally, unpaid work can also help young adults to develope a sense of social responsibility and empathy for others. By working with people from different backgrounds and circumstances, they can broaden their perspective and become more aware of issues faced by their community. Secondly, unpaid work by young adults can have a significant positive impact on society as a whole. Many community organizations and charities rely heavily on volunteers to carry out their important work. By contributeing their time and energy, young people can help to support vital services and programs that benefit those in need. Moreover, by encourageing more young adults to engage in voluntary work, we can foster a culture of active citizenship and social engagement. This can lead to stronger, more cohesive communities and a more compassionate society overall. In conclusion, I strongly believe that all young adults should undertake a period of unpaid work in their community. Not only can it provide them with valuable skills and experience, but it can also make a real difference to the lives of others. By promoteing voluntary work among young people, we can create a more caring and connected society for everyone.
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Expert Feedback

The essay presents a clear position in favour of unpaid work for young adults and develops relevant ideas with examples, which is a key strength. However, there were several critical areas for improvement, including grammatical errors, spelling mistakes, and the need for better transitions between ideas. The structure was generally good, but the conclusion could have been more effective in summarising the main arguments. The structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving spelling, and enhancing the flow of ideas with better transitions. For instance, 'Moreover' was added to improve the connection between points in the second body paragraph. Further improvements that could be implemented include providing more specific examples of skills gained or community issues addressed, as well as varying the vocabulary to avoid repetition. Additionally, the writer could work on proofreading for grammatical accuracy and ensuring consistent tense usage. The tone used in the essay is appropriate for an academic context, maintaining a formal and persuasive style throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay generally follows a logical structure, with clear paragraphs that each focus on a main idea. However, the transitions between ideas could be improved for better flow. For example, using cohesive devices like 'Furthermore' or 'In addition' could enhance the connection between points. Additionally, the conclusion could more effectively summarize the main arguments.
6.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures, but there are several grammatical errors that affect clarity (e.g., 'it have been suggest,' 'I strong believe'). The use of tenses is inconsistent, and there are issues with subject-verb agreement. To improve, the writer should focus on proofreading for grammatical accuracy and varying sentence structures.
5.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, with some good expressions such as 'social responsibility' and 'active citizenship.' However, there are several spelling errors (e.g., 'shold,' 'practikal,' 'develope') and some repetitive phrases (e.g., 'unpaid work'). To improve, the writer could use a wider range of synonyms and ensure correct spelling.
6.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the prompt by presenting a clear position in favor of unpaid work for young adults and develops relevant ideas with examples. However, the argument could be strengthened by providing more specific examples and a clearer structure in the conclusion. For instance, mentioning specific skills gained or community issues addressed would enhance the response.
6.5

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