Longer life spans and improvements in the health of older people suggest that people over the age of sixty-five can continue to live full and active lives. In what ways can society benefit from the contribution that older people can make?

Part 2
6.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

In today's world, people live much longer than long ago. Thanks toin the past, thanks to advancements in medical technology and moreincreased awareness about healthy living and exercise. This means that many older people who are over 65 years old are still very healthy and active. They can doing many things in the society, and the sociecommunity can benefit from them in a number of ways. First of all, the older people have more life experience in life than younger peopleindividuals. They have lived longer and havepossess more knowledge. This knowledge can be used byinvaluable to young people and they, who can learn many things from the older people. The older peopleir elders. Older individuals can share theyir experiences and teach the youngers generation about life, work, and relationships., thereby enriching society as a whole. Secondly, the older people can help incontribute significantly through volunteering works. For example, they can working in the charity organisations and, helping to collecting money funds and distribute them to those who are poor and in need. TAdditionally, they can also helpssist in teaching children in schools, as they have goodoften have a wealth of knowledge in manyvarious subjects like maths and history. Many of them may be retired so they have free time which they can utilize by do, which provides them with the free time to engage ing volunteering works in theactivities that benefit society. Finally, elder people can helply individuals can play a crucial role in raising children. If the children's parents are working and buzsy, the grandparents can take care of the children for some time. In this way the, parents will be free to work outsidecan focus on their jobs and earn money and th, while children will also be benefited by gettingbenefit from the care and moral values fromimparted by their grandparents. In summary, the older people are very importanta vital part of the society. They can share knowledge, teaching morals to children, helpassist in charity work, and help raisinge children. The experience and skills of the eldersly are very importantessential for the youths, and thuso they should be respected and take guidance from them. Tsought for guidance. Furthermore, the government should also ensure that good healthcare facilities are available for eolder peopleindividuals so that they can remain fit and active and, contribute to theing positively to society.
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Expert Feedback

The essay demonstrates several strengths, including a clear structure with distinct paragraphs that each address a specific point related to the benefits of older individuals in society. The writer effectively identifies key contributions such as sharing knowledge, volunteering, and childcare. However, there are critical areas for improvement. The development of ideas could be more thorough, with specific examples or statistics to support claims. Additionally, the transitions between ideas could be smoother, and the vocabulary used could be more varied to avoid repetition and enhance sophistication. Grammatical errors also detract from the overall quality, indicating a need for careful proofreading. Structural changes made include improving transitions between paragraphs and ensuring grammatical accuracy in key phrases. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include incorporating specific examples or studies to support claims and using a wider range of vocabulary to demonstrate lexical resource. The tone of the essay is appropriate for an academic context, maintaining a formal and informative style throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with clear paragraphs, each focusing on a specific point. However, the transitions between ideas could be smoother, and some sentences feel disjointed. For example, phrases like 'this means that' could be replaced with more cohesive devices to enhance flow. To improve, the writer should focus on using a wider variety of linking words and phrases to connect ideas more effectively.
6.5
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains several grammatical errors, such as 'can doing' (can do), 'they experience' (their experience), and 'chidren' (children). While the meaning is generally clear, these errors detract from the overall quality. The writer should focus on proofreading for grammatical accuracy and varying sentence structures to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical competence. More complex sentences could also be incorporated to enhance the overall grammatical range.
6.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are instances of repetition and some misused words, such as 'knowedge' (knowledge) and 'youngers' (younger people). The essay could benefit from a broader range of vocabulary and more sophisticated expressions. To enhance lexical resource, the writer should aim to use synonyms and varied phrases to avoid repetition and demonstrate a wider vocabulary range.
6.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the prompt by discussing various ways society can benefit from older people, such as sharing knowledge, volunteering, and helping with childcare. However, the development of ideas could be more thorough, with more specific examples and a clearer connection to the benefits for society. For improvement, the writer could elaborate on how these contributions impact society as a whole, perhaps by including statistics or studies that support their claims.
7.0

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