Many believe that health science should be mandatory study for all students in school. Do you agree or disagree with this view?

Part 1 (Academic)
5.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

Health science, it is seen by many peoples as a thing that is required tosubject that should be learned by students of all ages in school. I am greatstrongly agreeing with this view because of manyfor several reasons, which I will explain more on this inin the following paragraphs of this essay I has written. . Firstly, in my view, it is very important thatfor students areto learning about health science from an early age. This is because, they are needing knowledge of this topic to help them in life. For example, if a student is not havinglacks knowledge of health science, then hey may not know how to care for histheir own health and he may fall sick more often. Alsodditionally, they may not know what to do if a friend or family member is unwell. Therefore, I think it is crucial that all students are learning about health science from a young age so that they can look after their own health and helpassist others too. as well. Secondly, I believinge that if all students are learning health science in school, it will benefits society as a whole. This is because, if peoples are having good knowledge have a good understanding of health, then they will be able to make better decisions aboutregarding their own health and the healthat of their familyies. This can leading to a healthier population overall, which is goodadvantageous for the economy and for the well-being of society. Moreover, if more peoples are understanding about health issues, then there may be less strain on the healthcare system, as peoplesthey will be able to prevent illness and manage their own health better. more effectively. In conclusion, I am strongly agreeingbelieve that health science should be a mandatory part of education for all students in school. This is because it will help individual students to manage their own health better, and it will also benefit society as a whole by creating a healthier population. Therefore, I think that health science should be given high priority in the school curriculum.
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Expert Feedback

The essay presents a clear opinion that health science should be mandatory in schools, which is a key strength. The structure is logical, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, there are critical areas for improvement, including grammatical accuracy, coherence, and lexical variety. The revised version addresses grammatical errors, awkward phrasing, and repetitive language, enhancing clarity and flow. The changes made include correcting verb forms, improving subject-verb agreement, and refining transitions between ideas. For further improvement, the writer could incorporate specific examples or statistics to support their claims and expand their vocabulary to avoid repetition. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and persuasive style throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the flow of ideas is sometimes hindered by awkward phrasing and repetitive language. For example, phrases like 'I am greatly agreeing' and 'I believing' disrupt coherence. Improved use of cohesive devices and clearer transitions between ideas would enhance the overall clarity.
5.5
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains several grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues ('I has written', 'it will benefits') and incorrect verb forms ('I believing'). While the writer demonstrates some range in sentence structures, the frequent errors detract from the overall accuracy. Focusing on correct verb forms and subject-verb agreement would improve the score.
5.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several instances of repetition (e.g., 'peoples' instead of 'people') and awkward expressions (e.g., 'I am greatly agreeing'). To improve, the writer could incorporate a wider range of vocabulary and more precise terms related to health science and education.
5.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the prompt by expressing a clear opinion that health science should be mandatory in schools. However, the argument could be more effectively developed with specific examples and clearer reasoning. For instance, the author could elaborate on how health science education could directly impact students' lives or provide statistics to support claims about societal benefits.
6.0

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