Many childhood diseases can now be prevented through the use of vaccines. Should parents be made by law to immunise their children against common diseases or should individuals have the right to choose not to immunise their children?

Part 2
7.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

Nowadays, vaccinating childrens haves become a common practice in most of countries to prevent many serious childhood diseases such as measles, mumps, and polio. While some people says that it should be the parents' responsibility to decide whether to vaccinate their child or not, I am of the opinion that immunising childrens should be mandatory by law. Firstly, vaccination saves the lives of childrens by preventing them from being infected by potentially deadly diseases. It is proven by many studies that the majority of childrens who receive vaccinations at an early age develop a strong immunitye system against the most dangerous viruses. Parents who refuse to immunise their child put their lifeves at risk and also endanger the health of other kids around them who cannot be vaccinated for medical reasons or are too young. Hence, immunisation must be required by law to ensure the safety of all childrens in society. Secondly, mandatory vaccination is important for the public health and economicsy of a country. When the majority of the population is immunizsed, it creates the "'herd immunity"', making it difficult for disease outbreaks to spread widely and fastquickly. This helps governments to save huge amounts of money on treating sick childrens and adults in hospitals. In addition, parents do not have to take time off work to take care ofor ill kids, which increases the productivity of a nation. In conclusion, I strongly believe that parents must vaccinate their childrens and that it should be made compulsory by law. This will not only save countless lives of young kids, but also benefit the whole society and economy of a country.
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Expert Feedback

The essay effectively addresses the prompt, presenting a clear position that vaccination should be mandatory by law. Key strengths include a logical structure and relevant examples, such as herd immunity and economic benefits. However, critical areas for improvement include acknowledging opposing viewpoints more thoroughly and enhancing the variety of cohesive devices for smoother transitions. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving the accuracy of terms (e.g., 'children' instead of 'childrens'), and refining sentence structures for clarity. Further improvements could involve incorporating synonyms to reduce repetition and providing a more balanced discussion of the opposing viewpoint. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and persuasive style throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay is generally well-organized, with a logical progression of ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific point, and there are some cohesive devices used to link ideas. However, the transitions between some sentences could be smoother, and the overall flow could be enhanced by using a wider variety of cohesive devices.
7.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains several grammatical errors, such as 'childrens' instead of 'children' and 'it should be parents responsibility' which should be 'it should be the parents' responsibility.' While the overall meaning is clear, these errors affect the accuracy and range of grammatical structures. To improve, the writer should focus on proofreading for common mistakes and varying sentence structures.
6.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is appropriate for the topic, with terms like 'herd immunity' and 'mandatory vaccination' demonstrating some sophistication. However, there are repetitive phrases such as 'childrens' and 'vaccinate' that detract from the overall lexical variety. To improve, the writer could incorporate synonyms and more varied expressions.
6.5
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the prompt effectively, presenting a clear position that vaccination should be mandatory by law. It develops main ideas with relevant examples, such as the concept of herd immunity and the economic benefits of vaccination. However, it could be improved by acknowledging the opposing viewpoint more thoroughly and providing a more balanced discussion.
7.5

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