Many countries have compulsory military service for young men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men, and possibly for women too. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Part 2
7.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

I am agree with the statement that all countryies should adopt compulsory military servisce for young men and women after they leave school. There are several reasons for this opinion. Firstly, compulsaory military service can help to build discipline and teamwork skills in young people. When they are in the military, they have to follow strict rules and work together with others to achieve common goals. This can be a very valuabele experience for them, and can help them to develop important life skills that they can use in their future careers. Secondly, military servisce can also help to promote national unity and patriotism. When young people from different parts of the country come together to serve in the military, they can learn to appreciate the diversity of their nation and develop a sense of pride in their country. This can help to create a more cohesive and harmonious society. Finally, having a large and well-trained military can also be important for national security. In today's world, there are many potential threats to peace and stability, and having a strong military can help to deter aggression and protect the country's interests. By requiring young people to serve in the military, countries can ensure that they have a ready supply of trained and disciplined soldiers who are prepared to defend their nation if necessary. In conclusion, I strongly believe that compulsory military service for young men and women is a good idea for all countries. It can help to build important life skills, promote national unity, and enhance national security. While there may be some challenges in implementing such a system, I believe that the benefits would outweigh the costs in the long run. Additionally, it is essential to consider how to address the concerns of those who may oppose such a policy, ensuring that the implementation is fair and inclusive.
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Expert Feedback

The essay presents a clear argument in favour of compulsory military service, effectively addressing the prompt. Key strengths include a logical structure and relevant examples that support the main points. However, critical areas for improvement include correcting spelling errors and grammatical mistakes, as well as enhancing the variety of cohesive devices used throughout the essay. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors and spelling mistakes, as well as adding a sentence in the conclusion to acknowledge potential counterarguments, which strengthens the overall argument. For further improvements, the writer could incorporate more varied vocabulary and complex sentence structures to enhance the lexical resource and grammatical range. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and persuasive style.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay is generally well-organized, with a logical progression of ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific point, and there are appropriate linking phrases. However, the use of cohesive devices could be more varied to enhance the flow of the essay further.
7.5
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures, but there are several grammatical errors, such as 'I am agree' instead of 'I agree' and 'all country' instead of 'all countries.' These errors affect clarity and accuracy. To improve, the writer should focus on correcting these mistakes and using more complex sentence structures.
6.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is mostly appropriate, with some effective phrases such as 'national unity' and 'cohesive society.' However, there are several spelling errors (e.g., 'servise' instead of 'service,' 'compulsary' instead of 'compulsory,' 'valuabel' instead of 'valuable') that detract from the overall quality. To improve, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary and ensuring correct spelling.
6.5
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the prompt by presenting a clear position in favor of compulsory military service for young men and women. It develops main ideas with relevant examples, such as the benefits of discipline, teamwork, national unity, and security. However, the argument could be strengthened by acknowledging potential counterarguments or challenges in more detail.
7.0

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