Many high-level positions in companies are filled by men even though the workforce in many developed countries is more than 50 per cent female. Companies should be required to allocate a certain percentage of these positions to women. To what extent do you agree?

Part 2
6.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

In today's world, there are many companies that have higher positions mostly occupied by mens, even though the workforce of females areis more than 50 percent in many developed countryies. I agree with the statement that companies must be required to allocate a certain percentages of these positions to womens. . Firstly, womens are equally capable and talented as mens. They can handle high-level positions with the same efficiency and effectiveness as mens. Many studies have shown that companies with gender diversity in leadership positions perform better, such as a report by McKinsey which found that organizations with more women in leadership roles are 21% more likely to outperform their counterparts. Therefore, it is important to give equal opportunities to womens in higher positions. This will not only benefit the womens but also the company as a whole. Secondly, allocating a certain percentage of high-level positions to females will help in reducing gender inequality in the workplace. Women often face discrimination and bias in the workplace, which can limit their career growth and advancement. By requiring companies to allocate a certain percentages of high-level positions to womens, it will ensure that they getreceive fair and equal representation in leadership roles. This will also encourage more womens to pursue careers in male-dominated fields. In conclusion, I strongly agree that companies should be required to allocate a certain percentage of high-level positions to womens. This will not only benefit the womens but also the company and society as a whole. It will help in reducing gender inequality and promoting diversity in the workplace. It is important for companies to recognize the talents and capabilities of womens and give them equal opportunities to excel in their careers.
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Expert Feedback

The essay presents a clear argument in favour of gender diversity in leadership positions, which is a key strength. The structure is generally sound, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, there are critical areas for improvement, particularly in grammatical accuracy and lexical variety. The use of 'womens' and 'mens' is incorrect and should be replaced with 'women' and 'men.' Additionally, the essay could benefit from more varied vocabulary and sophisticated linking phrases to enhance coherence and cohesion. The structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving the flow with better transitions, and adding a specific example to strengthen the argument. For further improvement, the writer could incorporate more statistics or studies to support their claims and vary their sentence structures to demonstrate a wider grammatical range. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and persuasive style throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay is generally coherent, with a logical progression of ideas. However, the use of cohesive devices could be improved. For example, transitions between paragraphs could be more varied and sophisticated to enhance the flow of the essay. Phrases like 'Firstly' and 'Secondly' are somewhat formulaic and could be replaced with more varied linking phrases.
6.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures, but there are several errors that affect clarity, such as subject-verb agreement issues ('higher positions mostly occupied by mens') and incorrect plural forms ('womens'). While the meaning is generally clear, these errors detract from the overall accuracy. More complex sentence structures and careful proofreading could enhance this score.
5.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is appropriate for the topic, but there are instances of repetition, such as the frequent use of 'womens' and 'mens.' More varied vocabulary could enhance the essay. Additionally, there are some grammatical errors in word forms, such as 'percentages' instead of 'percentage' and 'womens' instead of 'women.' Using synonyms or more sophisticated expressions would improve the lexical resource score.
6.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the prompt by presenting a clear position in favor of allocating high-level positions to women. However, it could benefit from more specific examples and a deeper exploration of the implications of such policies. For instance, discussing specific studies or statistics that demonstrate the benefits of gender diversity in leadership would strengthen the argument.
6.5

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