Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

Part 2
5.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

In this modern era, so many of the food and drink we are buy from stores contain very high levels of sugar. This high sugar iscontent is the cause of numerous health issues like obesity, diabetes, heart problems, and more. Some argue that increasing the price of sugary products will makelead to people buying and eatconsuming less of it. I amthem. I agree with this view. Firstly, when the price of anything goes up, demand willtends to go down. It's a simple concept of economics. If sugary foods and drinks are makbecome more costly, then many people won't be able to buy ithem or will buypurchase much less. This will lead to lower cuonsumption of sugar, which is good for health of peoplebeneficial for people's health. Just like when taxes on ciggarettes were increased, many people quit smoking. Same will happenA similar outcome can be expected with a sugar tax. Secondly, the government can use the extra money collected from higher prices to fund the healthcare system. Treating the diseases coaused by too much sugar iexcessive sugar consumption has become very costly for government hospitals. If people eat less sugar, then less money will need to be spent on treating those illnesses in the future. Alsodditionally, the tax moneyrevenue can be used for awareness coampaigns to educate peeople about the dangers of a high-sugar diet. In conclusion, I beleieve that it is a good idea to make sugary foods and drinks more expensive. ItThis approach will reduce sugar consumption of sugar and also generate funds for healthcare and awareness programs. TUltimately, this will lead to better health for individuals and the whole society.
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Expert Feedback

The essay presents a clear position in favour of increasing the price of sugary products, which is a key strength. It develops main ideas with relevant examples, particularly the comparison to cigarette taxes, which adds credibility to the argument. However, there are critical areas for improvement, including grammatical errors, spelling mistakes, and a lack of varied vocabulary. The structure of the essay is logical, but the flow could be enhanced with more sophisticated transitions and cohesive devices. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving spelling, and enhancing the clarity of sentences. For instance, 'is cause of' was changed to 'is the cause of,' and 'I am agree' was corrected to 'I agree.' Additionally, the use of cohesive devices was improved by replacing 'Secondly' with 'Additionally' to provide a smoother transition. Further improvements could include providing more detailed examples and exploring counterarguments to strengthen the overall argument. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and persuasive style throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the flow of ideas could be improved with better use of cohesive devices. For instance, transitions between sentences and paragraphs could be more varied and sophisticated to enhance clarity. Phrases like 'Firstly' and 'Secondly' are used, but more diverse linking words would improve coherence.
5.5
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay demonstrates some grammatical range, but there are frequent errors in sentence structure and verb forms, such as 'is cause of' instead of 'is the cause of' and 'I am agree' instead of 'I agree.' These errors affect the overall clarity of the writing. To improve, the writer should focus on using correct grammatical structures and ensuring subject-verb agreement.
5.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several instances of repetition and misused words, such as 'buying' instead of 'buy' and 'coused' instead of 'caused.' There are also spelling errors like 'numerus,' 'cunsumption,' and 'peeple.' To improve, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary and ensure correct spelling and word forms.
5.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task by presenting a clear position in favor of making sugary products more expensive. It develops main ideas with relevant examples, such as the comparison to cigarette taxes. However, the argument could be strengthened with more detailed examples and a clearer exploration of counterarguments. Additionally, the conclusion could summarize the key points more effectively.
6.0

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