Many people are now opting to provide technology companies with their personal data in exchange for access to software. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

Part 2
5.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

Nowadays, a common practisce is giving our personal informations to technology firms, in exchange for using their softwares. This essay aims to discuss about dthis matters, specifically whether the benefit is greaters outweigh thane drawback or not.s. On dathe one hand, dthere are certainly some gains from allowing software companyies to collect our private data of us. First is dat, software is improoving very fastquickly with users data. DaThe software company can study how personindividuals use detheir products, dthen make ithem faster, betterenhance functionality, morand increase ease tof use. DThis is biga significant advantage for users. Second point is sometim, sometimes there are free or cheaper prices for software if you share your information. DThis allows poor personer individuals who cannot afford to pay high prices to still access and use. But in opposite, d the software. On the other hand, there are risk fors to privacy and security when you give sensitive details to organizations. One problem, compny mite is that companies might not protect data propaerly, andleading to hackers stealing it or data getting lost. Even worse, dishonest compnanies may sell your data to advertismenting firms or the government, widdthout your permission. Den uConsequently, you may start recieiving many spam emails and messages. Or iIn some country, daies, authorities might use your personal information against u, likeyou for political reason.s. In conclusiomn, while dthere are clear advantaj likeges such as better quality softwares and lower costs, I belief dave that the dangers to individual privacy isare more inportsignificant. I recommend pthat people be very carefull widhen sharing deretheir personal data towith any company. It is better to find alternative ways to getobtain the softwares you need widdthout giving your sensitive informastions. Only when absolutely necessary and when you trust dathe company, den consider it should you consider sharing your data.
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Expert Feedback

The essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the task by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of sharing personal data with technology companies. Key strengths include the identification of relevant points and a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, critical areas for improvement include the need for more depth and clarity in arguments, as well as a wider range of vocabulary and improved grammatical accuracy. Structural changes made include correcting spelling errors, enhancing grammatical accuracy, and improving coherence through better transitions and formal language. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include providing specific examples to support arguments and varying sentence structures to enhance complexity. The tone used is generally appropriate for an academic essay, but it could benefit from a more formal style throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the flow of ideas is sometimes disrupted by informal language and spelling errors, which can confuse the reader. The use of cohesive devices is limited and could be improved. For example, using phrases like 'on the one hand' and 'on the other hand' is a good start, but more varied linking words and phrases would enhance coherence. To improve, the writer should focus on logical sequencing and clearer transitions between ideas.
5.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains numerous grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues, incorrect verb forms, and awkward sentence structures. For example, phrases like 'dis allow poor person' and 'wen u give sensitive details' demonstrate a lack of grammatical accuracy. While the writer attempts to use a variety of sentence structures, the frequent errors hinder clarity. To improve, the writer should focus on grammatical accuracy and practice constructing more complex sentences correctly.
4.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used in the essay is somewhat limited and includes several informal expressions and spelling errors (e.g., 'practis', 'informations', 'techology'). While there are attempts to use some relevant terms, the overall lexical range is not sufficient for a higher score. To improve, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary and ensure correct spelling and formality appropriate for an academic essay.
5.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of sharing personal data with technology companies. However, the argument lacks depth and clarity in some areas. For instance, the points made about the benefits and risks could be more thoroughly developed with specific examples. To improve, the writer should aim to present a clearer position and provide more detailed explanations and examples to support their arguments.
5.0

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