Many people believe that media coverage of celebrities is having a negative effect on children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Part 2
5.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

I agree to a large degree that celebritiesy coverage by the medias is negatively impact ons childsren. Firstly, childsren are easy to copyingily influenced by the behaviour of others, and when they seeing celebrities do bad thingengaging in bad activities like use drug use or drunk driving, they might think its is normal and acceptiable behaviour. For example, when a famous actreess getis coaught using drugs, it sendings a message to childrens that using drugs areis okay. Secondly, the medias often focuses on the negative aspects of celebrity lifves like, such as relationship problems and scandeals, rather thean theyir positive contributions. This can givinge childsren a distordted view of what is important in life. They mights start to beliefve that fame and money are more important thean hard work and being a good persons. Finally, the constant attention on celebrities can make childsren feel like thieir own lives are boring and unimportant by compareison. They mights start to thinking that unless youthey are famous and rich, your life dontheir lives do not matter. This cans lead to low self-esteem and unhappines.s. In conclusions, I strongly agree that media coverage of celebrities is harmfull to childrens. It cans encourage bad behaviours, promote wrong values, and make childsren feel bad about themselfves. Parents and the medias need to be more responsible in what they showing and teaching to the next generations.
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Expert Feedback

The essay presents a clear position that media coverage of celebrities negatively affects children, which is a key strength. However, the development of ideas could be improved with more specific examples and a deeper exploration of the consequences, such as discussing the psychological impact on children or providing statistics. The structure is logical, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, but the flow of ideas could be enhanced with better use of cohesive devices. The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there were instances of repetition and misused words, which have been corrected. Grammatical errors were prevalent, affecting clarity, but many have been addressed in the revised version. Suggestions for further improvements include incorporating more varied vocabulary and complex sentence structures to enhance the overall quality. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and objective stance throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the flow of ideas could be enhanced with better use of cohesive devices. For example, transitions between sentences and paragraphs could be smoother to improve overall clarity. Phrases like 'Firstly,' 'Secondly,' and 'Finally,' are used, but more varied linking words would enhance cohesion.
5.5
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay demonstrates some grammatical range, but there are numerous errors that affect clarity, such as subject-verb agreement ('is negatively impact'), incorrect verb forms ('get cought'), and awkward constructions ('by compare'). While the meaning is generally clear, these errors detract from the overall quality. To improve, the writer should focus on grammatical accuracy and sentence structure.
5.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several instances of repetition and misused words, such as 'medias' instead of 'media,' 'childs' instead of 'children,' and 'acceptible' instead of 'acceptable.' Additionally, phrases like 'distorded view' and 'harmfull' contain spelling errors. To improve, the writer should aim for a wider range of vocabulary and ensure correct spelling.
5.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the prompt by presenting a clear position that media coverage of celebrities negatively affects children. However, the development of ideas could be improved with more specific examples and a deeper exploration of the consequences. For instance, discussing the psychological impact on children or providing statistics could strengthen the argument.
6.0

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