Many people believe that modern music can have a negative impact on the young. Others believe the effect of modern music is positive. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

Part 2
5.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

It is argued by some people that the modern music ishas a negative aeffect ton the younger generation. However, others think there is a positive impact of modern musics to on the youth. I am going to discuss both points of view and my opinion about it. On one hand the, modern music iscan have a bad aeffect ton young people. Firstly, many modern music isongs promote violence, drugs, and other illegal activityies. This can influence young people to do bad thingengage in harmful behaviours. Secondly, the lyrics of modern musics often use bad language and inappropriate wordcontain inappropriate language and themes. This can makelead young people to learn and use thissuch language in theyir lifeves. Thirdly, some modern music videos show too muchdisplay excessive skin and sexual content. This is not suitable for young people to watch and canaudiences and can negatively affect theyir mind in negative way.s. On the other hand, some people believe that modern music haves a positive impact ton the younger generation. Firstly, modern music can be a way for young people to express themselfves and theyir feelings. It can be aserve as an outlet for theyir emotions and help them dealcope with stress and problems. Secondly, modern music can bring young people together and create a sense of community. They can bond over theyir shared love of music and make new friends. Thirdly, some modern music hasongs convey positive messages and can inspire young people to chaspursue theyir dreams and be acome better person.individuals. In conclusion, I believe that modern music can have both negative and positive effects ton young people. It is depends on the type of music and how it is consumed. Parents and society should guide young people toin chooseing appropriate music and useing it in a healthy way. At the same time, we should not dismiss all modern music as bad and should recognizse its potential benefits to the younger generation.
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Expert Feedback

The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the task by discussing both views on the impact of modern music on youth and presenting a personal opinion. Key strengths include a structured approach with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, vocabulary range, and the development of ideas with specific examples. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving coherence with better transitions, and enhancing lexical resource by varying word choice. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include incorporating specific examples or statistics to support arguments and further refining sentence structures for clarity. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and objective stance throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the flow of ideas is sometimes disrupted by awkward phrasing and a lack of cohesive devices. For example, transitions between points could be smoother. To improve, the writer should use more linking words and phrases to enhance the logical progression of ideas.
5.5
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains several grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues ('the modern music is negative affect'), incorrect verb forms ('is have bad affect'), and awkward constructions ('it is depend on the type of music'). While the meaning is generally clear, these errors detract from the overall quality. To improve, the writer should focus on grammatical accuracy and vary sentence structures.
5.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are instances of repetition (e.g., 'modern music' and 'young people') and some inaccuracies (e.g., 'the modern music is negative affect'). The use of phrases like 'bad affect' and 'they life' indicates a need for more precise language. To improve, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary and avoid redundancy.
5.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task by discussing both views on the impact of modern music on the youth and presents a personal opinion. However, the development of ideas could be more thorough, with more specific examples to support the arguments. For improvement, the writer could include statistics or studies that illustrate the effects of modern music on young people.
6.0

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