Many people use distance-learning programs (study material post, TV, Internet, etc.) to study at home, but some people think that it cannot bring the same benefits of attending college or university. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the task by discussing both sides of the argument regarding distance learning versus traditional university education. Key strengths include a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, critical areas for improvement include the need for more specific examples and a stronger conclusion that reiterates the main points. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving coherence with better transitions, and enhancing clarity through more precise vocabulary. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include providing more detailed examples to support each argument and varying sentence structures to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical ability. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and objective stance throughout.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the use of cohesive devices is limited, and some sentences lack clarity. For instance, the transition between ideas could be smoother. To enhance coherence, the writer could use linking words more effectively, such as 'furthermore' or 'in contrast,' to connect ideas.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The essay contains several grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues ('peoples who thinks') and incorrect verb forms ('can be study'). While the meaning is generally clear, these errors detract from the overall quality. To improve, the writer should focus on using correct grammatical structures and varying sentence types to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical ability.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are instances of repetition and awkward phrasing, such as 'the distance-learning help students' and 'this way is convinient.' The writer could improve by using a wider range of vocabulary and ensuring correct word forms. For example, 'convenient' instead of 'convinient' and 'the distance-learning programs help students' would enhance clarity.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The essay addresses the task by discussing both sides of the argument regarding distance learning versus traditional university education. However, the position taken is not fully developed, and the conclusion lacks a strong reiteration of the main points. To improve, the writer could provide more specific examples and elaborate on the benefits of both methods of study.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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