Many young people do not know how to manage their money when graduating high school. What do you think are the reasons? What can be done to teach them this important skill?

Part 2
6.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

Nowadays, most of young people have difficulties to manageing theire money after they graduate high school. I believe there are a couple of reasons for this problem. I will discuss the causes and provide some solutions in this eassay. The main reason is that financial management is not thaught in most schools. Students spend most of theire time learning academic subjects like math, science, and languages, but they don't learn about how to budget, save, and invest money. As an result, they are not prepared to handle theire finances when they enter the real world. Another reason is that many parents do not teach theire children about money management at home. They may not have the knowledge or skills themselves, or they may not think it is important. To address this issue, I think schools should introduce financial literacy courses as part of the curriculum. This could include topics like creating a budget, opening a bank account, using credit cards responsibely, and investing for the future. TFurthermore, teachers could use real-life examples and hands-on activities to make the lessons more engaging and releveant. In addition, parents should also play a role in educating theire children about money. They can start by giving them a small allowance and teaching them how to save and spend wisely. They can also involve them in family financial decisions and discussions. In conclusion, many young people struggle with money management due to a lack of education in schools and at home. To help them develop this crucial life skill, schools should offer financial literacy courses, and parents should actively teach theire children about money. By doing this, we can ensure that the next generation is better equipped to handle theire finances and achieve financial stability.
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Expert Feedback

The essay effectively addresses the task by identifying reasons for young people's difficulties in managing money and suggesting solutions. Key strengths include a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, critical areas for improvement include the development of ideas with more specific examples and a wider range of vocabulary to avoid repetition. The corrected version includes necessary grammatical corrections, improved spelling, and enhanced transitions between ideas. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include incorporating specific successful financial literacy programs and varying sentence structures for better grammatical range. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and informative style.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and transitions between ideas could be smoother. For example, using phrases like 'Furthermore' or 'In addition' could enhance the flow of ideas.
6.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains several grammatical errors, including incorrect verb forms ('gradute' should be 'graduate'), misuse of articles, and issues with subject-verb agreement. While the overall meaning is clear, these errors detract from the overall quality. To improve, the writer should focus on proofreading for grammatical accuracy and varying sentence structures.
5.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several instances of repetitive word choices, such as 'money' and 'there.' Additionally, some words are misspelled (e.g., 'thaught' should be 'taught,' 'equiped' should be 'equipped'). To improve, the writer could incorporate a wider range of vocabulary and ensure correct spelling.
5.5
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task by identifying reasons for young people's difficulties in managing money and suggesting solutions. However, the development of ideas could be more thorough, with more specific examples or evidence to support the claims. For instance, mentioning specific financial literacy programs that have been successful could strengthen the argument.
6.5

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