Many young people do not spend their holidays and weekends doing outdoor activities like hiking and climbing in natural environments. Why is this the case? How can they be encouraged to go out?
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the task by discussing reasons why young people avoid outdoor activities and suggesting ways to encourage them. Key strengths include a basic structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion, as well as relevant ideas. However, critical areas for improvement include the need for more specific examples to support claims, better coherence through the use of transitional phrases, and a wider range of vocabulary to avoid repetition. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving sentence clarity, and enhancing the flow of ideas with cohesive devices. For further improvement, the writer could incorporate specific statistics or examples of popular indoor activities among youth and vary their vocabulary more extensively. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and informative style.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, the flow of ideas is occasionally disrupted by awkward phrasing and unclear connections between sentences. To enhance coherence, the writer could use more cohesive devices and transitional phrases to link ideas more effectively, such as 'Furthermore' or 'In addition'.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The writing contains several grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement ('youngs they do not want'), incorrect verb forms ('spend days off'), and awkward sentence structures. While the meaning is generally clear, these errors detract from the overall quality. To improve, the writer should focus on sentence construction and ensure subject-verb agreement, as well as practice using a variety of grammatical structures.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are instances of repetition (e.g., 'youngs', 'outdoor activity') and some inaccuracies (e.g., 'healthy' should be 'health'). The writer could improve their score by incorporating a wider range of vocabulary and avoiding repetitive terms. Using synonyms or more sophisticated expressions would enhance the lexical resource.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The response addresses the task by discussing reasons why young people do not engage in outdoor activities and suggesting ways to encourage them. However, the ideas presented are somewhat underdeveloped and lack depth. For improvement, the writer could provide more specific examples or statistics to support their points, such as mentioning specific indoor activities that are popular among youth.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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