Modern children are suffering from the diseases that were once considered to be meant for adults only. Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children. What are its causes and what solutions can be offered?

Part 2
6.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

Nowadays, it has become a common problem that childrens are facing health issues which only adults used to have in the past. Most notably ofamong these diseases is obesity, which is becoming very widespread among young peoples. There are several reasons for this concerning trend and steps that can be taken to address it. One of the main causes of obesity in children is unhealthy eating habits. With the busy lifestyles of parents these days, many familyies rely on convenience foods like fast food, frozen meals, and packaged snacks, which are high in calories, fat, and sugar but low oin nutrients. Children who regularly consume these types of food instead of a balanced diet with plenty of fruit, vegetables, and whole grains are much more likely to become overweight. Another factor contributing to childhood obesity is a lack of physical activitiesy. In the past, children used to spend a lot of their free time playing outdoors games and sports. However, today many kids spend hours every day in front of screens, whether it is watching television, playing video games, or using smartphones. This sedentary lifestyle means they are not burning off the calories they consuminge, leading to weight gain. There are several solutions that can help address the childhood obesity epidemic. One important step is educating parents and children about the importance of healthy eating and encouraging them to make better food choices. This could involve initiatives like teaching nutrition in schools, providing healthy meals in cafeterias, and restricting the marketing of junk food to kids. At the same time, it is crucial to promote physical activity by creating more opportunities for children to be active, such as building parks and playgrounds, offering sports programs, and limiting screen time. In conclusion, the rising rates of obesity among children is a serious issue with multiple contributing factors, including poor diet and lack of exercise. Addressing this problem will require a comprehensive approach that involves educating families, promoting healthy habits, and creating an environment that supports active lifestyles. By taking action now, we can help ensure a healthier future for the next generation.
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Expert Feedback

The essay effectively addresses the task by discussing the causes of childhood obesity and proposing solutions, which is a key strength. However, it lacks depth in some areas, such as specific examples or statistics to support the claims, which could enhance the argument's persuasiveness. The coherence and cohesion of the essay could be improved by using more cohesive devices to connect ideas smoothly. Additionally, there are several grammatical errors and inaccuracies in word choice that detract from the overall quality. The structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving vocabulary accuracy, and enhancing transitions between ideas. For further improvement, the writer could incorporate specific examples or statistics to support their claims and vary their sentence structures to enhance grammatical range. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and informative style throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with clear paragraphs, but the flow of ideas could be improved. Some transitions between sentences and ideas are abrupt, which affects the overall coherence. Using more cohesive devices, such as 'furthermore' or 'in addition,' could enhance the connection between ideas.
6.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues ('childrens are facing'), incorrect verb forms ('is becoming'), and missing articles ('the importance of healthy eating'). While the meaning is generally clear, these errors detract from the overall quality. To improve, the writer should focus on proofreading for grammatical accuracy and varying sentence structures.
5.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are instances of repetition and some inaccuracies, such as 'childrens' instead of 'children' and 'helth' instead of 'health.' The writer could benefit from using a wider range of vocabulary and ensuring accuracy in word choice. For example, instead of 'unhealthy eating habit,' they could say 'poor dietary choices.'
6.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task by discussing the causes of childhood obesity and proposing solutions. However, it lacks depth in some areas, such as providing specific examples or statistics to support the claims. To improve, the writer could include more detailed evidence or case studies to strengthen their arguments.
6.5

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