More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people suggest that the solution to this problem is to increase the price of fattening foods. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Part 2
6.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

These days, the number of people with overweight problems is increasing dramatically. There are some of them who think one way to solve this is by making the price of fatty foods more expensive. I totally disagree with this idea, and iI will explain why. Firstly, increasing the price of unhealthy foods won't prevent people to buy itfrom buying them. People who have extra weights tend to likeenjoy eating this food, and they are used to always purchaseing this type of meal. So even though the price is getting higher, they still buy the fatty foods continuously. Furthermore, for most of people, money is not a problem for them because the cost of this kind of junk foods are is affordable. As a result, this solution will never work to resolve the overweight issue. Secondly, iI think the best option to reduce the number of people who have problems with their weight is by givproviding them with more knowledge about a healthy lifestyle. The government haves to provide some educations and programs to encourage people to live within a healthy way. For example, providethey could offer a free program that can tellinforms them about the importance of healthy diets and regular exercises, and a. After that, they can try to live this wayincorporate this knowledge into their daily lifeves. By doing this i, I believe people can become more aware aboutof their health, and eventually, it can reduce the overweight problem in society. In conclusion, iI totally disagree ifthat increasing of the fattening foods priceprice of fatty foods can be a solution for the overweight issue. People will still buying them even if the price is more expensive and also the best wayhigher, and the best way to address this problem is by educating people about healthier lifeving.
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Expert Feedback

The essay presents a clear position against increasing the price of fatty foods and suggests education as a viable alternative. Key strengths include a logical structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, critical areas for improvement include enhancing the use of cohesive devices for smoother transitions and reducing repetition in vocabulary. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving sentence clarity, and adding transitional phrases to enhance coherence. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include providing specific examples of educational programs or statistics on obesity to strengthen the argument. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and persuasive style.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and transitions between ideas could be smoother. For example, using phrases like 'Moreover' or 'In addition' could enhance the flow of ideas. Additionally, some sentences are slightly repetitive, which affects overall coherence.
6.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, but there are several grammatical errors, such as 'the number of people with overweight problem' (should be 'the number of people with overweight problems') and 'the government have to provide' (should be 'the government has to provide'). These errors occasionally hinder clarity. Improving grammatical accuracy and varying sentence structures would enhance this score.
6.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, with terms like 'overweight', 'fattening foods', and 'healthy lifestyle' being relevant to the topic. However, there are instances of repetition, such as 'people' and 'food', which could be varied with synonyms. Incorporating a wider range of vocabulary and idiomatic expressions would elevate the lexical resource score.
6.5
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task by presenting a clear position against increasing the price of fatty foods and offers an alternative solution of education. However, it could benefit from more detailed examples and a deeper exploration of the implications of both proposed solutions. For instance, discussing specific educational programs or statistics on obesity could strengthen the argument.
6.5

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