My hobbies
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the topic and provides relevant examples of hobbies, which is a key strength. The structure is logical, with distinct paragraphs for each hobby, but the transitions between ideas could be improved for better coherence. Critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, particularly with subject-verb agreement and verb forms, as well as spelling errors. The vocabulary is generally appropriate, but there is some repetition that could be varied for a richer lexical resource. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving transitions, and enhancing clarity. For further improvements, the writer could add personal reflections on how these hobbies impact their life, which would deepen the response. The tone is appropriate for the task, being personal and reflective, which suits the context of discussing hobbies.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay has a logical structure with clear paragraphs for each hobby. However, the transitions between ideas could be smoother. Using cohesive devices like 'firstly', 'secondly', and 'finally' would help guide the reader through the text more effectively. Additionally, some sentences could be better linked to improve overall flow.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The writing demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures, but there are several errors that affect clarity. Issues include subject-verb agreement ('play football' should be 'playing football'), incorrect verb forms ('enjoy read' should be 'enjoy reading'), and spelling mistakes ('usally' should be 'usually', 'excercise' should be 'exercise'). These errors detract from the overall quality, but the meaning is still generally clear.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are some repetitive phrases, such as 'reading books' and 'listening to music'. More varied expressions could enhance the lexical resource. For example, instead of 'listening to music', the writer could use 'enjoying melodies' or 'immersing in tunes'. There are also minor errors in word forms, such as 'musics' instead of 'music' and 'artist' instead of 'artists'.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The writing addresses the topic of hobbies and provides relevant examples, which is good for task achievement. However, it could be improved by providing more detail or personal reflection on why these hobbies are significant. For instance, explaining how reading has influenced the writer's perspective or how football fosters friendships would enhance the response.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
Related Writing Samples
Your ID card has been stolen. Write to the Local Police Station, giving details of: - who you are - what happened - ask what you should do to get a new ID card
The graphs below show the cinema attendance in Australia and the average cinema visits by different age groups from 1996 to 2000. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons.
A large company in your area has decided to spend a certain amount of money, either to sponsor a local children's sports team for two years or to pay for two open air concerts. It has asked for feedback from the general public. Write a letter to the company. In your letter: Describe the benefits of sponsoring the sports team. Summarise the benefits of paying for the concerts. Say how you think the company should spend the money.
In recent years, many small local shops have closed because customers travel to large shopping centres or malls to do their shopping. Is this a positive or negative development?
You and your teenage daughter visited the local library last weekend to find books for her school project. After searching for some time, you realized that the library did not have any books on the subject. This is not the first time that the library did not have something you need. Write a letter to the library manager: Describe what you were trying to find Explain why you needed the book and how you tried to find it Suggest what the library can do to help you find the information you need
Last month you had a holiday overseas where you stayed with some friends. They have just sent you some photos of your holiday. Write a letter to your friends. In your letter: thank them for the photos and for the holiday explain why you didn't write earlier invite them to come and stay with you