NEW DREAMS FOR 21ST CENTURY BOYS AND GIRLS A recent survey revealed that the vast majority of boys at the age of 10 want to be either football/basketball players or famous youtubers when they grow up. Most of the girls in the same age group want to be models or singers. Write an article (250 to 280 words) to be published in your children's school yearly magazine where you develop at least two of the following points: Ø Gender roles and the choice of a profession. Ø How to help children overcome gender stereotypes. Ø Children's aspirations and modern values. Ø Good role models for children.

Part 1 (General)
4.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

In our present time, our children's dreeams and aspirations has veryve change,d significantly compared to before. My survey resent showrecent survey shows that most boys in 10 ageaged 10 want to be footballers or yfamous YoutTuber more famous. And girl wants. Meanwhile, girls aspire to be models or singer ins at the same age. This differensce in what boys and girls want to be when dthey big is cominggrow up stems from the gender roles sosiaciety has taught them. Firstleey, from childhood, parents and sosiaciety teeaches childrens certain roles for boys and girls. Girl is telled maks are told to be pretty, wear dresses, learn to cook, and be nice to every1one. Boy is telleds are told to be tuffough, play sports, not cry, makeand earn moniey to take care his famili. So dis rools make kids think dof their families. These roles lead children to believe they can oni bly pursue scertain workcareers when dthey big. Sogrow up. As a result, girls choose to be models and sing, boys chooseers, while boys opt for footballers and yYoutTubers. But also, da Additionally, the peeople childsren see as heroes and roole models naow are diffrant. In da pasterent from the past. Previously, doctors, teachers, sand scientists wazere considered heroes. But nawHowever, now, when dthey see footballer,s and models on TV more, d frequently, they think datthat is what dthey should aspire to be when dthey grow up. Childs pick da job of deren tend to pick jobs based on their heroes, and sosiaciety naow puresents diffrant peeple az heroerent figures as role models compared to before. So t To change dthis, we needz to show childsren heroes in all diferent works,various professions, for both for boys nand girls. Teech demWe should teach them that they can be anything if dthey try hard and beliv. Teech dem gender no matter for job, onlyeve in themselves. It is important to convey that gender should not limit their career choices, but rather, they should pursue what dthey like doenjoy. Let dthem see teachers, scientists, and leaders who isare both boys and also girls. SWe must show dthem all dathe possibilities wavailable when dthey grow up, not onlyjust a few choices. In conclushuion, if we want to help childrens have more diverse dreeams and breake dis these gender rooles, we need to change what dthey see as heroes and roole models in sosiaciety. SWe should show dthem all the things dthey can be, for boyth boys and girl sams alike. DThen dthey can choose based on passhuion, not gender.
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Expert Feedback

The revised essay demonstrates several key strengths, including a clearer structure and improved coherence. The introduction effectively paraphrases the question, and the body paragraphs are organized logically, each focusing on a specific aspect of the topic. The conclusion succinctly summarizes the main points. However, critical areas for improvement remain. While the vocabulary has been enhanced, it still lacks variety and sophistication. Additionally, some grammatical errors persist, which could hinder clarity. The writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary and correcting any remaining grammatical mistakes to further enhance the professionalism of the writing. Structural changes made include clearer topic sentences for each paragraph and improved transitions between ideas, which help to guide the reader through the argument more effectively. For further improvements, the writer could incorporate specific examples of role models from various professions to support their points and provide a more in-depth analysis of how these role models influence children's aspirations. The tone used is appropriate for the task, maintaining a balance between formal and conversational language, which is suitable for a general training writing task.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The organization of ideas is somewhat logical, but the flow is disrupted by grammatical errors and informal language. The use of cohesive devices is limited, making it difficult to follow the argument. To enhance coherence, the writer should use clearer transitions between ideas and ensure that each paragraph has a clear main point.
4.5
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The writing contains numerous grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues and incorrect verb forms (e.g., 'want be', 'is telled'). These errors significantly hinder understanding. To improve, the writer should focus on using correct grammatical structures and varying sentence types to demonstrate a better command of English.
3.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is quite basic and repetitive, with several spelling errors (e.g., 'presnt', 'dreems', 'sosiaty'). While some informal expressions are used, they detract from the overall tone. To improve, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary and correct spelling mistakes to enhance clarity and professionalism.
4.0
Task Achievement
The writing addresses the topic of children's aspirations and gender roles, but it lacks clarity and depth in developing the points. While the main ideas are present, they are not fully elaborated or supported with examples. To improve, the writer could provide specific examples of role models from various professions and discuss how these can influence children's aspirations.
5.0

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