New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do you think the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?

Part 2
5.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

Nowadays, technologies have changed a lot the way how children spend theyir free time. I think the advantages isare more important thean the disadvantages in this trend. I will explain my opinion in this essay. First of all, technologies givprovide a lot of new possibilityies for children to learn and discover the world. With the internet, they can accesse easily to informations and knowledges easily from everywhere. They can also communicate more easily with theyir friends and family, even if they live far away. This helps them to maintain social links and to not feel alone. Moreover, somes technologies, like video games, can help to develop skills likesuch as strategy, creativity, or teamwork. However, there isare also somes disadvantages to this trend. Children can spend too much time on screens and not enough time outside or with real peoples. This can be bad fordetrimental to theyir health and they social skills. They can also be exposed to inappropriate contents or to online dangers like cyberbullying or addiction. It is important that parents supervise theyir children's usage of technologies and puset somes limits. In conclusion, iI believe that the advantages of new technologies for children's free time isare more importsignificant thean the disadvantages. ItThey offer many opportunities for learning and communicationg, but it is important to use ithem with moderation and supervision to avoid the potential risks. Parents have an important role to play in guiding theyir children in the goodproper usage of technologies.
DeletedOriginal textAddedCorrected text

Expert Feedback

The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the topic and presents both advantages and disadvantages of technology in children's free time. Key strengths of the essay include a logical structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The writer effectively outlines their opinion, and the points made are relevant to the prompt. Critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, particularly in subject-verb agreement and word forms. The vocabulary could be expanded to avoid repetition and enhance clarity. Additionally, the use of cohesive devices could be improved to create smoother transitions between ideas. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving coherence with clearer topic sentences, and enhancing the flow of ideas with appropriate transitions. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include providing specific examples or studies to support the points made, which would strengthen the argument. Additionally, the writer could work on varying their sentence structures to improve grammatical range. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and objective stance throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and transitions between ideas could be smoother. For example, using phrases like 'on the one hand' and 'on the other hand' could enhance the flow of contrasting ideas. Additionally, clearer topic sentences for each paragraph would improve coherence.
6.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains numerous grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues ('technologie have'), incorrect word forms ('they free time'), and awkward constructions. While the meaning is generally clear, these errors detract from the overall quality. To improve, the writer should focus on proofreading their work for grammatical accuracy and practicing complex sentence structures.
5.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several instances of repetition and misuse, such as 'alot,' 'they,' and 'somes.' The writer attempts to use some varied vocabulary, but there are also errors in word choice (e.g., 'expose' should be 'exposed'). To improve, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary and using synonyms to avoid repetition.
5.5
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of new technologies in children's free time. However, the position could be clearer and more strongly articulated. For improvement, the writer could provide more specific examples to support their points, such as mentioning particular technologies or studies that illustrate the benefits and risks.
6.0

Related Writing Samples

Part 2
5.0

Many people believe that social networking sites (such as Facebook) have had a huge negative impact on individuals and society. To what extent do you agree?

Part 2
6.5

Whether or not someone achieves their aims is mostly a question of luck. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Part 2
8.0

We have become a disposable society, preferring to buy new products rather than fixing existing items. What are the causes of this trend and what are the possible solutions?

Part 2
5.5

The tendency that news reports in media focus on problems and emergencies rather than on positive developments is harmful for individuals and the society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Part 2
7.0

Today single-use products are still very common. Why is this? What are the problems associated with this?

Part 2
6.5

In the future, more people will choose to go on holiday in their own country and not travel abroad on holiday. Do you agree or disagree?