Nowadays, children use a lot of technology. However, some think that this is not beneficial for a child's mental health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Part 2
5.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

Some people think that using too much technology is bad for a child's mental health. In my opinione, iI agree that technology can sometimes bring harm to young child sometimesren. This essay will discuss why iI think this. Firstly, children who afre using thquently use technology are often are exposed to internet scams and imnapproperiate contents online. Because of a child is too young and lack as the knowledge to know what are the good thingsdiscern what is good and what areis bad, they can easily be fooled by the bad people who were onmalicious individuals on the internet. For example, my neighbor son, heur's son always usinges his phone to geto online, and a few months beforeago, he giave out his family's information to a stranger online because that man sayid he wantsed to help them and give money, but ithem money. In the end, the stranger usinged the information to scam my neighborur's money. I think that story proves that child isren are in danger when using technology. Secondly, if children spend stoo much time for using technology, it will also hurt their body health besidephysical health in addition to their mentality health. Children should spentd their time to doengaging in sports and playing with other children their age, notrather than sitting at home with a phones and computers all the time. My cousin is a good example; she has spent too much time on her phone, and now shes, at 16 years old but hav, she has the same weight as a 10-year-old child. This shows that technologiesy can give badhave negative effect alsos on the body, not just mthe mind. For abovthese reasons i, I strongly agree that a child's mental health can be harmed by usingexcessive use of technology a lot. G. The government should educate parents on this issue so they can guidance their child to live a goodren towards a healthier lifestyle.
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Expert Feedback

The essay presents a clear position that technology can be harmful to children's mental health, which is a key strength. However, it lacks depth in developing the main ideas and providing a balanced view, which is a critical area for improvement. The flow of ideas was enhanced by correcting awkward phrasing and grammatical errors, ensuring that each paragraph logically connects to the next. Additionally, spelling and word forms were corrected to improve clarity and readability. Suggestions for further improvements include incorporating counterarguments or discussing potential benefits of technology to create a more nuanced response. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and objective stance throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, two main points, and a conclusion. However, the flow of ideas is sometimes disrupted by awkward phrasing and grammatical errors. To enhance coherence, the writer could use more cohesive devices and ensure that each paragraph logically connects to the next.
5.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues and incorrect sentence structures (e.g., 'a child is too young and lack a knowledge'). These errors affect clarity and overall readability. To improve, the writer should focus on using correct grammatical structures and varying sentence types.
4.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are instances of repetition (e.g., 'child', 'technology') and some incorrect word forms (e.g., 'opinione', 'esay'). To improve, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary and ensure correct spelling and word forms.
5.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the prompt by presenting a clear position that technology can be harmful to children's mental health. However, it lacks depth in developing the main ideas and providing a balanced view. To improve, the writer could include counterarguments or discuss potential benefits of technology, which would create a more nuanced response.
5.0

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