Nowadays, children watch a lot of TV and play video games. However, some think that these activities are not beneficial for a child's mental health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Part 2
6.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

These days, children spends a lot of tyime in front of the TV and playing games on computers or mobile phones. ButHowever, some people believe that thoese activities isare not good for the mental health of kids. I am agree with this view to a biglarge extent. Firstly, spending too much time watching television or playing video games can make children anti-social. They will not want to meet other people and make friends in real life. Instead, they will just stay home all day and not go out. This can make them feel lonely and depressed. Alsodditionally, they will not learn how to talkcommunicate with others and will have poor communication skills. Secondly, these activities can be bad fordetrimental to their mental development. If children only watch TV and play games, their brains will not grow properly. They need to do other thingengage in other activities like reading books, playing sports, and learning new skills. But iIf they only doparticipate in passive activities, their minds will not develop in a healthy way. They might have trouble focusing and concentrating in school. Finally, some TV shows and video games can be violent or have badconvey negative messages. If children see tare exposed to too much violence, it can make them more aggressive. They might thinkcome to believe that fighting is a normal way to solve problems. AlsoFurthermore, some games and shows might teach them wrong values like greed or dishonesty. This can negatively impact their character and behaviour. In conclusion, I strongly agree that too muchexcessive television and video games can be harmful forto children's mental health and development. Parents should limit the time their kids spend on these activities and encourage them to doengage in more productive thingpursuits instead.
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Expert Feedback

The essay presents a clear argument that excessive screen time is detrimental to children's mental health, which is a key strength. The structure is generally sound, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, there are critical areas for improvement, particularly in spelling, grammar, and the use of cohesive devices. The corrected version addresses these issues by fixing spelling errors, ensuring subject-verb agreement, and improving transitions between paragraphs. Further improvements could include providing specific examples or statistics to support the claims made, which would enhance the argument's depth. The tone is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and persuasive style throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay is generally coherent, with a logical progression of ideas. However, the use of cohesive devices could be improved. For example, transitions between paragraphs could be smoother, and the introduction could better outline the main points that will be discussed.
6.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains several grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues ('children spends'), incorrect verb forms ('I am agree'), and awkward phrasing ('want meet'). These errors affect clarity and accuracy. To improve, the writer should focus on sentence structure and ensure subject-verb agreement.
5.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is adequate but contains several spelling errors (e.g., 'tyme', 'belive', 'helth', 'to much', 'agressive'). While some appropriate terms are used, the presence of these errors detracts from the overall quality. To improve, the writer should proofread for spelling and consider using a wider range of vocabulary.
5.5
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the prompt by presenting a clear position that excessive TV and video games are detrimental to children's mental health. However, it could benefit from more specific examples and a deeper exploration of the topic. For instance, citing studies or statistics on the impact of screen time could strengthen the argument.
6.5

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