Nowadays many people have access to computers and a large number of children play computer games, what are the negative impacts of playing computer games? What can be done to minimize the bad effects?
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay effectively addresses the task by discussing the negative impacts of computer games and suggesting measures to mitigate these effects. Key strengths include a clear position and relevant examples. However, critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, particularly in subject-verb agreement and the use of possessive pronouns. The structure has been maintained, with minor adjustments made to enhance coherence and cohesion, such as adding 'Furthermore' to improve transitions between points. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented include incorporating specific examples or statistics to strengthen arguments and varying vocabulary to avoid repetition. The tone is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and objective stance throughout.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay is generally well-organized, with a logical flow of ideas. However, some transitions between sentences could be smoother. For instance, using cohesive devices like 'Furthermore' or 'Moreover' could improve the connection between points. Overall, the coherence is good, but there is room for improvement in cohesion.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, but there are several grammatical errors, such as 'computers has' (should be 'have') and 'to much' (should be 'too much'). Additionally, 'they academic performance' should be 'their academic performance.' These errors affect the clarity and accuracy of the writing, though the overall meaning remains understandable.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is appropriate for the topic, with terms like 'addiction,' 'obesity,' and 'inappropriate content' effectively conveying the message. However, there are some repetitive phrases, such as 'negative impacts' and 'children,' which could be varied. Incorporating a wider range of vocabulary would enhance the overall quality.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The essay addresses the task by discussing the negative impacts of playing computer games and suggesting measures to minimize these effects. The position is clear, and relevant examples are provided. However, the development of ideas could be enhanced with more specific examples or statistics to strengthen the argument.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
Related Writing Samples
Many people believe that social networking sites (such as Facebook) have had a huge negative impact on individuals and society. To what extent do you agree?
Whether or not someone achieves their aims is mostly a question of luck. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
We have become a disposable society, preferring to buy new products rather than fixing existing items. What are the causes of this trend and what are the possible solutions?
The tendency that news reports in media focus on problems and emergencies rather than on positive developments is harmful for individuals and the society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Today single-use products are still very common. Why is this? What are the problems associated with this?
In the future, more people will choose to go on holiday in their own country and not travel abroad on holiday. Do you agree or disagree?