Nowadays many schools find it profitable to sell unhealthy food. Is this a positive or negative development? Give examples.

Part 2
6.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

In these days, many schools isare starting to sell unhealthy foods and drinks, because it is more profitable for them. I am strongly believinge that this is a negative development. In this essay i, I will discuss why i amI thinking so, and provide some examples to illustrate my point. First of all, when school is selling unhealthy food, it isthey encourage students to eatadopt an unhealthy diet. For example, if the school cafeteria is full of chips, soda, and candy, then students will be temptinged to buy and eat these items instead of healthier options like fruits and vegetables. This can lead to obesity and other long-term health issues in long-term. Secondly, schools have a responsibility to promote a healthy lifestyle to their students. By selling unhealthy food, they are send the wrong message that it is okayacceptable to eat junk food regularly. Students are spending a large portion of their day at school, so the food available there will have biga significant impact on their overall diet and health. Schools should be settingset a good example by offering nutritious meals and snacks. In conclusion, iI strongly believe that schools selling unhealthy food is a negative trend. It can lead to poor dietary habits and health problems for students, and schools should be promoting a healthy lifestyle instead. I am hopinge that more schools will start to prioritizse the well-being of their students over profits in the future.
DeletedOriginal textAddedCorrected text

Expert Feedback

The essay presents a clear position against schools selling unhealthy food and provides relevant examples to support this viewpoint, which is a key strength. However, the argument could be further developed with more specific examples and a deeper exploration of the implications of this trend. The structure is logical, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, but the use of cohesive devices could be improved. The vocabulary is generally appropriate, but there are instances of repetition and awkward constructions that could be varied. The essay contains several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues and inconsistent capitalization, which detract from the professionalism of the writing. To further improve, the writer should focus on proofreading for grammatical accuracy, incorporating synonyms to avoid repetition, and using a wider range of cohesive devices. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and persuasive style.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, the use of cohesive devices could be improved. For example, phrases like 'first of all' and 'secondly' are used, but more varied linking words and phrases could enhance the flow of ideas. Additionally, some sentences could be better connected to improve overall coherence.
6.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains several grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues ('many schools is starting'), incorrect verb forms ('it is encourage'), and inconsistent use of capitalization ('i' should be 'I'). While the overall meaning is clear, these errors detract from the professionalism of the writing. To improve, the writer should focus on proofreading for grammatical accuracy and varying sentence structures.
5.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate for the topic, with terms like 'unhealthy diet,' 'obesity,' and 'nutritious meals.' However, there are instances of repetition, such as the frequent use of 'school' and 'unhealthy food.' To improve, the writer could incorporate synonyms or more varied expressions. Additionally, some phrases are awkwardly constructed, such as 'is starting to sell,' which could be more effectively expressed as 'are starting to sell.'
6.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task by presenting a clear position against schools selling unhealthy food and provides relevant examples to support this viewpoint. However, the argument could be further developed with more specific examples and a deeper exploration of the implications of this trend. For instance, discussing specific health statistics or studies could strengthen the argument.
6.5

Related Writing Samples

Part 2
5.0

Many people believe that social networking sites (such as Facebook) have had a huge negative impact on individuals and society. To what extent do you agree?

Part 2
6.5

Whether or not someone achieves their aims is mostly a question of luck. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Part 2
8.0

We have become a disposable society, preferring to buy new products rather than fixing existing items. What are the causes of this trend and what are the possible solutions?

Part 2
5.5

The tendency that news reports in media focus on problems and emergencies rather than on positive developments is harmful for individuals and the society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Part 2
7.0

Today single-use products are still very common. Why is this? What are the problems associated with this?

Part 2
6.5

In the future, more people will choose to go on holiday in their own country and not travel abroad on holiday. Do you agree or disagree?