Nowadays, more people are choosing to socialize online rather than face to face. Is this a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Sample Essay with Corrections
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The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the topic and presents both negative and positive aspects of online socializing, which is a key strength. However, the focus is predominantly on the negative side, and the arguments could be further developed with more specific examples and clearer reasoning. Critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, as there were several errors that detracted from the overall quality. Additionally, the use of cohesive devices could be enhanced to improve the flow of ideas between paragraphs. The vocabulary is generally appropriate, but there is room for more variety and sophistication in word choice. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving transitions between points, and ensuring proper paragraph structure. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include providing more detailed examples of how online socializing affects relationships and incorporating a wider range of vocabulary. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and analytical style throughout.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay has a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the flow of ideas could be improved with better transitions between points. For example, the shift from discussing isolation to addiction feels abrupt. Using cohesive devices more effectively, such as 'Furthermore' or 'In addition,' could enhance the overall coherence. Additionally, some sentences are quite long and could be broken down for clarity.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The essay contains several grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues ('it make people' should be 'it makes people') and incorrect article usage ('the face-to-face communication' should be 'face-to-face communication'). There are also punctuation errors, such as missing capital letters at the beginning of sentences. While the overall meaning is clear, these errors detract from the overall quality. To improve, the writer should focus on proofreading for grammatical accuracy and varying sentence structures.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are instances of repetition and some misused words, such as 'numerus' (should be 'numerous') and 'isloation' (should be 'isolation'). The writer uses some good phrases like 'face-to-face communication' and 'decreased productivity,' but there is room for more variety and sophistication in word choice. To improve, the writer could incorporate synonyms and more advanced vocabulary to express ideas more precisely.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the negative and positive aspects of online socializing, but it primarily focuses on the negative side. While the main ideas are presented, they could be developed further with more specific examples and clearer reasoning. For instance, the mention of John as an example is relevant but lacks depth. To improve, the writer could elaborate on how online socializing has affected relationships or provide more concrete examples of its impact.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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