Nowadays older people often live in retirement homes with people of their age instead of living with their children. Is it a positive or negative development?

Part 2
5.5

Sample Essay with Corrections

In the modern world, elderly people is often livinge in retirement communityies with peoples ofothers of the same age rather thean living with theyir children. TIn my opinion, this is a positive development in my opinion. Firstly, older people have different needs and interests compared to young people. They may prefering a quiet and peaceful environment, while young people tend to be more active and outgoing. Living in retirement homes with other seniors allows them to socialize and engage in activities that suit their preferences. For example, they can play chess, do gardening, or justsimply chat with each other without feeling like a burden to their children. Secondly, caring for elderly parents can be a challenge for working children, especially if parents have health problems or disabilities. Retirement homes provide professional care and support, such as medical assistance, meal preparation, and housekeeping. This ensures that older people receive proper care and attention, while their children can focus on their careers and family life. However, some peoples may argue that living in retirement homes can lead to isolation and loneliness, as elderly peopleindividuals are separated from their family. But iies. Nevertheless, I believe that with regular visits and communication, family bonds can still be maintained. Moreover, many retirement communityies organizse family events and activities to encourage interaction between residents and their families. In conclusion, iI believe that living in retirement homes is a positive development for older people. It provides them with a suitable environment, social interaction, and professional care, while allowing their children to balance their responsibilities. As long as family ties are nurtured, retirement homes can be a beneficial option for elderly care.
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Expert Feedback

The essay presents a clear opinion and addresses the prompt effectively, demonstrating a logical structure with distinct paragraphs. Key strengths include the identification of relevant examples, such as socialization and professional care, which support the main argument. However, critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, as there are several errors that detract from clarity, such as subject-verb agreement and incorrect verb forms. The use of cohesive devices could also be enhanced to improve the flow between ideas. Structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, improving word choice, and enhancing transitions between paragraphs. For further improvement, the writer could provide more detailed examples and a deeper exploration of counterarguments. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and objective stance throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with clear paragraphs, each focusing on a specific point. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and transitions between ideas could be smoother. For instance, phrases like 'Firstly' and 'Secondly' are used, but more varied linking words could enhance the flow of the essay. Additionally, the conclusion could better summarize the main points.
6.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues ('elderly people is'), incorrect verb forms ('may prefering'), and punctuation mistakes. While the writer demonstrates some range in sentence structures, the frequency of errors affects clarity. To improve, the writer should proofread for grammatical accuracy and practice using a wider variety of sentence structures.
5.0
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several instances of incorrect word forms and repetition, such as 'peoples' instead of 'people' and 'retirment' instead of 'retirement.' There is an attempt to use varied vocabulary, but the errors detract from the overall effectiveness. To improve, the writer should focus on using correct forms and expanding their vocabulary range.
5.5
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the prompt by presenting a clear opinion that living in retirement homes is a positive development. It develops main ideas with relevant examples, such as the benefits of socialization and professional care. However, the argument could be strengthened with more detailed examples and a deeper exploration of counterarguments. Additionally, the introduction could be clearer in stating the position.
6.0

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