One of my favorite activities is dance because dance makes me feel joy to express myself not only as a dancer but as a person. Dance is an art that is about the way we move as dancers to tell a story to an audience, conveying the meaning behind it and also what year it is from.
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay demonstrates a personal connection to the topic of dance, showcasing the writer's feelings and experiences effectively. Key strengths include a clear expression of emotions and a variety of examples that illustrate the writer's passion for dance. However, critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, coherence, and vocabulary range. The structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, enhancing transitions between ideas, and improving the overall flow of the essay. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include expanding on specific dance styles and their cultural significance, as well as incorporating more varied vocabulary to avoid repetition. The tone used is appropriate for a personal reflection, maintaining a warm and engaging style throughout.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay presents ideas in a somewhat logical order, but the transitions between sentences and ideas are often weak. Phrases like 'Another thing I love about dance' could be better linked to previous ideas. The use of cohesive devices is limited, which affects the overall flow. To enhance coherence, the writer should use more linking words and phrases to connect their thoughts more smoothly.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The essay contains numerous grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues ('Dance are one of my most favorite activity'), incorrect verb forms ('makes me feeling', 'allow me'), and sentence fragments. These errors hinder clarity and accuracy. To improve, the writer should review basic grammar rules and practice constructing sentences with correct subject-verb agreement and verb forms.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several spelling errors (e.g., 'expresing', 'convays', 'musik', 'thots', 'langage', 'speek', 'fysical', 'its') that detract from the overall quality. Additionally, some phrases are repetitive, such as 'one of my most favorite activity'. To improve, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary and ensuring correct spelling.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The essay addresses the topic of dance and expresses personal feelings and experiences related to it. However, it lacks a clear structure and some points could be developed further. For example, the introduction could be more engaging, and the conclusion could summarize the main points more effectively. To improve, the writer should focus on organizing their ideas more clearly and ensuring that each paragraph has a distinct purpose.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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