One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

Part 2
6.0

Sample Essay with Corrections

In this modern age, medical care haves improved significantly, which results toresulting in people living more longer and an increased life expectancy is increased. I believe this developement haves more advantages thean disadvantages. Firstly, as people live longer, they can spend more time with their family members. For example, grandparents can spend more time with their grandchildrens and share their life experiences and knowledge with them. This can help to strengthen the bonds between the different generations in the family. Additionally, people can also spend more time pursuing their hobbies and interests, which can bring them more happiness and fulfilment in life. Secondly On the one hand, with longer life expectancy, people can continue to contribute to society even in their old age. Many older people have a wealth of experience and skills that can be valuable to society. For example, they can volunteer their time to help in the community or mentoring younger people in their professions. This can help to ensure that the knowledge and expertise of older generations are not lost and can be passed down to the next generation. However On the other hand, there are also some disadvantages to people living longer. One of the main concerns is the increased burden on the healthcare system. As people live longer, they may require more medical care and support, which can put a strain to theon healthcare resources. Additionally, there may also be an increased demand for retirement homes and other care facilities, which can be costly to run and maintain. In conclusion, while there are some disadvantages to people liveing longer, I believe that the advantages outweigh the drawbacks. The increased time that people can spend with their loved ones and the contribution thats they can make to society are valuable benefits that should not be overlooked. However, it is important for governments and society to plan ahead and put in place the necesseary infrastructure and resources to support an ageing population.
DeletedOriginal textAddedCorrected text

Expert Feedback

The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the topic and presents both advantages and disadvantages of increased life expectancy. Key strengths include a logical structure and relevant examples that support the main points. However, critical areas for improvement include grammatical accuracy, vocabulary range, and the balance of ideas presented. The structural changes made include correcting grammatical errors, enhancing transitions between paragraphs, and ensuring each paragraph has a clear topic sentence. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include providing more specific examples or statistics to support the disadvantages section and varying sentence structures to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical competence. The tone used is appropriate for an academic essay, maintaining a formal and objective stance throughout.

Detailed Scores

Coherence And Cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with clear paragraphs, but the flow of ideas could be improved. Some transitions between ideas are abrupt, and the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited. For instance, using phrases like 'on the one hand' and 'on the other hand' could enhance the clarity of contrasting points. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence would improve coherence.
6.0
Grammatical Range And Accuracy
The essay contains several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues ('medical care have improve'), incorrect verb forms ('have more advantages'), and awkward constructions ('which results to people living more longer'). While the meaning is generally clear, these errors detract from the overall quality. To improve, the writer should focus on proofreading for grammatical accuracy and varying sentence structures to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical competence.
5.5
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are several instances of repetition and some misused words, such as 'improve' instead of 'improved' and 'signifantly' instead of 'significantly.' The writer could benefit from using a wider range of vocabulary and more precise language. For example, instead of 'more longer,' 'longer lives' would be more accurate. Incorporating synonyms and varied expressions would enhance the lexical resource score.
6.0
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of increased life expectancy. However, the development of ideas could be more thorough, particularly in the disadvantages section, which feels less balanced. To improve, the writer could provide more specific examples or statistics to support their points, especially regarding the burden on healthcare systems.
6.5

Related Writing Samples

Part 2
5.0

Many people believe that social networking sites (such as Facebook) have had a huge negative impact on individuals and society. To what extent do you agree?

Part 2
6.5

Whether or not someone achieves their aims is mostly a question of luck. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Part 2
8.0

We have become a disposable society, preferring to buy new products rather than fixing existing items. What are the causes of this trend and what are the possible solutions?

Part 2
5.5

The tendency that news reports in media focus on problems and emergencies rather than on positive developments is harmful for individuals and the society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Part 2
7.0

Today single-use products are still very common. Why is this? What are the problems associated with this?

Part 2
6.5

In the future, more people will choose to go on holiday in their own country and not travel abroad on holiday. Do you agree or disagree?