People should give importance to family.
Sample Essay with Corrections
Expert Feedback
The essay presents a clear opinion on the importance of family and provides relevant reasons to support this view, which is a key strength. However, it lacks a formal tone suitable for an academic task and does not fully develop the ideas, particularly in the conclusion. The corrected version addresses grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement and incorrect verb forms, and improves spelling accuracy. Additionally, the use of cohesive devices has been enhanced by adding transitions between points. Critical areas for improvement include the need for a wider range of vocabulary to avoid repetition and the inclusion of specific examples or evidence to strengthen the argument. The tone is generally appropriate, but it could be made more formal to align with academic writing standards. Suggestions for further improvements not implemented in the corrected version include incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and varying sentence structures to demonstrate a wider grammatical range. Overall, the essay has been improved in clarity and correctness, but further refinement is needed for a higher score.
Detailed Scores
What this means:
The essay is generally coherent, with a logical progression of ideas. However, the use of cohesive devices could be improved. For instance, transitions between points could be more varied and sophisticated. The writer could enhance cohesion by using phrases like 'Moreover' or 'In addition' to connect ideas more effectively.
How to improve:
- Use a clear paragraph structure
- Connect ideas with appropriate linking words
- Maintain logical progression
- Use referencing effectively
What this means:
The essay contains several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues ('family provide' should be 'family provides') and incorrect verb forms ('teach' should be 'teaches'). There are also issues with punctuation and capitalization. To improve, the writer should focus on grammatical accuracy and vary sentence structures to demonstrate a wider range.
How to improve:
- Use complex sentence structures
- Maintain grammatical accuracy
- Use a variety of sentence patterns
- Check for common grammar errors
What this means:
The vocabulary used is appropriate but somewhat repetitive, with phrases like 'love, support, and guidance' appearing multiple times. There are also some spelling errors, such as 'succeed' and 'principal' (should be 'principles'). To improve, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary and check for spelling accuracy.
How to improve:
- Use a wider range of vocabulary
- Demonstrate awareness of collocations
- Avoid word repetition
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary accurately
What this means:
The essay presents a clear opinion on the importance of family and provides relevant reasons to support this view. However, it lacks a formal tone suitable for an academic task and does not fully develop the ideas, particularly in the conclusion. To improve, the writer could include more specific examples or evidence to strengthen their argument.
How to improve:
- Address all parts of the task fully
- Support ideas with specific examples
- Develop each point thoroughly
- Stay relevant to the topic
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"Violence in playgrounds is increasing. However, it is important that parents should teach children not to hit back at bullies."